I'll Bury You for This (JTK X M! Reader)

The Pros and Cons of Breathing

August 21. 12:34pm.

Gage's arms around me aren't enough to pull me out of the blurry and noisy state my mind is in. His lips press against my cheek before he pulls out of the hug. "I'll see you Monday, then?" He asks, and I nod. Though he's right here, he sounds so far away. "See you," I responded. I hesitate for a second before giving him a small kiss. "Bye Gage," I whisper. His face flushes. "Bye, Y/N." I get on my bike that was left just outside his door, and take off down the pristine pavement.

The ride home is quick, not only because of the relatively short distance, but also because I'm not paying attention. I got to the house faster than I really wanted to. I'm putting my bike down against the house without really registering it. Only when I'm at the door do I take a second to slow down. I sigh heavily. I don't want to go. Why did I waste my time with Gage like that? I wish I could've stayed. I shake my head and stick my key into the knob, twisting open the door.

When I walk in, John isn't there. Thank god. I shut the door behind me quietly and make my way down the hallway just as silent. I peek into his room to see him passed out on his bed, snoring. I quickly go into my room, then shut and lock the door. I sit my backpack down next to my bed and lie down in it. Ugh. Going from Gage's back to this is terrible. I take my phone out and check the time. 12:47pm. I bite my lip. I guess I should start getting ready.

I got up and changed outfits, because for some reason I didn't bring some for today; this morning I changed into what I wore yesterday, which did not smell good. The stench of cigarettes and beer isn't exactly pleasant. I slip into some more comfortable pants that I got from the last time I went to Hot Topic, along with a My Chemical Romance shirt I got the same day (with a long sleeve underneath of course). I slide a studded belt through the loops on my pants. I don't feel like being extra today, so I leave the accessories at that.

I unzip my backpack and take out my meds along with the water bottle I left in there yesterday. I press the capsule pill to my tongue and swallow it down with gulps of water. I hope I don't get a headache this time because I never did take one yesterday. I sit back down on my bed. I'll just listen to music until it's time to leave, starting with Siouxsie and the Banshees.

August 21. 1:54pm.

I took the familiar route to my favorite bookstore. I figured I should walk since he usually drives me in his car once we meet up. I'm not entirely sure how that's gonna go. The last time I was in his car, he made me drive (illegally, I don't have a license) while he and his ex made out drunkenly in the backseat. All throughout the walk, my mind was swarmed with a buzzing sound. Not literally, but it might as well have been just sound with the way I couldn't stop fucking thinking.

I'm sweating by the time I reach the store, only slightly, but enough to make me feel disgusting. The lovely breezes at night have been getting cooler, but it has barely dented the warmer weather during the day. I wish I wore a tank top today, but even just the thought of having people stare at my arms and wrists makes my skin crawl. I hate attention, especially the bad kind.

I sigh as I sit down on the sidewalk, beside the door. I watch cars and bikes pass by as I listen to music, waiting for Xander's car to show up. I hum along to the lyrics of I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin. I will not bow / I will not break / I will shut the world away / I will not fall / I will not fade / I will take your breath away.

I sit up at the sight of his black toyota pulling into the parking spot in front of me. I pause the song and take out my earbuds, putting them back into my pocket. I stand up, brushing off my pants and sliding my phone into my back pocket. I suddenly wished I wore a light jacket so I had something to do with my hands, though that wouldn't have been great due to the heat. I could've worn just the jacket if I had thought about it.