Everything Has Changed

I'm Thinking Of Ending Things

"Difficult this morning. I could only get her to settle down to eat by watching old runs of Are You Smarter Than A Celebrity on the TV. Must be because she can hear your voice. But apart from that we did some tummy time and playing before she went down for a nap. She has napped for almost two hours now so she should be waking up soon, otherwise I will have to go in and disturb the peace. She won't sleep if I don't soon." Taylor sighed, wishing g more than anything that Luna would wake up on her own rather than having to have Taylor wake her up. She just knew that it wouldn't end well. 

"It's ok Tay. I'll go wake her up now." Taylor thanked him as he placed a light kiss on her cheek. She focussed her attention back on the vegetables that she had been chopping to prepare for their dinner. She knew Luna would need a feed soon and that would time in perfectly as Travis could cook whilst Taylor feed Luna and she would be content for a while whilst they ate. Well, that was the plan. Whether it would be executed was a different story. 

Travis returned not long later with a wide awake Luna attached to his hip, bunny rabbit in hand. She never went anywhere without her bunny, so much so that Taylor had to ask where Kylie had bought it from seeing as it was a present from Wyatt so that she could buy two or three spare toys in case it ever got lost anywhere. Kids were notorious for dropping things and it wasn't exactly going to make much noise when it dropped somewhere. What would make noise would be their daughter when she would realise it was missing. And that sounded like a death sentence to both of them. 

Luna seemed to be much more settled that evening and Taylor could only hope that this would continue into the rest of the evening. maybe that night would finally be the night she would start sleeping through again. She managed to feed her before placing her into her bouncing chair next to them by the dining table. The couple talked about their days and upcoming plans before it became time to go back to their parental duties. She bathed Luna, softly humming a sweet lullaby in her ear to get her to drift off to sleep as Travis got himself ready for bed. She was just falling asleep when Travis returned from their ensuite.

"Night night Lulu." Travis whispered, placing a soft light kiss on the top of her head before patting her belly lightly. The baby sighed in contentment as she rolled off into a peaceful dream. Taylor breathed a sigh of relief, swinging her legs over read out of the bed, making her way over to the bathroom. 

She opened the medicine cabinet they kept above the sink, sensing she would need Tylenol for her headache. She knew it was most likely from sleep deprivation. However what caught her eye was not the bottle of Tylenol but a different one. An orange bottle she had thought she had thrown away. The bottle of sleeping pills she had been prescribed by her doctor right after she had given birth to Luna and had awful anxiety induced insomnia. The amount she had slept in those weeks was genuinely concerning and unhealthy but they had passed through it, and she hadn't had to think about those pills, until now.

A thought crossed her mind. A bad one, but there was truth hidden within it. 

The truth was that Travis didn't need her anymore. He had his child, and whilst yes he did want more than one, so did she, he could be content with just the one. For now. He had done his biological job, to further the human species. Now was he was looking for someone new. There were no clues to say it was so. but that could never mean it was not true. Whist she had believed what Travis had said about Kyla, that it meant nothing and thats he was gone from their lives forever, she couldn't help but feel like this was just the beginning. An omen, for the future.

All of her albums had been rerecorded and she had no obligation to put out any new music. It was just something that had made her happy. And Travis had his child from her. They weren't married. He could move on,w without her. Would it be hard, yes for all of the, . But it was possible, because they loved each other and above all else, wanted the other to always be happy and be at peace.

And she couldn't be at peace like this. Every day felt greyer than the last. And even with all the will in the world to want to get better, it seemed like there was no possible way out. 

Her therapist had told her that anxiety and depression were serious illnesses. A plague that is physically painful. It debilitates you, sometimes beyond all basic thought and internal recognition. And it isn't something you can just decide to get over. But her thoughts were now turned to this sole idea: sadness is a simple human condition; an emotion, no different from something like happiness or anger and if we don't think of those as illnesses, why should we imagine this as one. But she could not imagine the rest of her life being like this. A constant dark cloud looming over her head, the possibility of rain constant and the idea of an anxiety hailstorm left her in a constant state of paranoia. And if it isn't an illness, it cannot be cured. It is a human state, a constant. And that thought alone was something that was simply unbearable. 

And it brought her back to the present. The here and now as she stood in front of the cabinet, the pills and presents staring straight back at her. All of the possibilities laid out before her very eyes. 

And looking now at the possibilities in front of her, Taylor is thinking of ending things. It would all be for the better, wouldn't it? 

AUTHORS NOTE: Ahhh cliff-hanger. This is the penultimate chapter, with the final chapter of Part 4 coming soon. What could possibly happen....