A Court of Secrets and Moonlight (Timeline Version)

14: Confidante

Come on.

Kiss me back.

Make it go away.

He pulled me into the room with no warning, separating our lips for a moment. The door slammed shut, and then I was pressed against it. He looked over me with a look I had never seen before. Eyes darkened, panting, wanting. Two hands were braced on either side of me, pinning me to the door. He loomed over me, strands of his blonde hair hanging in his eyes, looking as if it was taking all of his self-control to restrain himself.

"What the fuck are you doing?" He growled.

My mind was blank, my body utterly numb. I answered on instinct, "You know what I'm doing."

He was panting, "What about-"

I cut him off before he could say the words that would break me in half, that would stop me from this deadly track I walked, "Never going to happen. You and I are engaged."

It didn't stop the way his face flashed in my mind, at the twist of pain in my chest as I pictured his hazel eyes, his olive skin, his black hair. I could not have him. I'd never deserve him, not now, not after any of this. I would not allow myself to sully him with my dirty touch and rotten soul.

But I had no choice but to touch Tamlin. It was inescapable. So I might as well lean into it.

I could sense his hesitation, even as his green eyes darted wildly over me, even as his heart was pounding in his chest. Even as light was shining in his eyes, as if I was handing him the world on a silver silken string.

Wicked and evil and cruel. That's what I was.

"I want this." I offered, "I want to try."

He groaned, leaning down to press his forehead to mine. I knew how badly he wanted this, knew it would make him happy. He'd never ask, and maybe this was the only good thing I had left that I could do.

"If we do this, there's no going back." He breathed, "If we do this, I can't just be your friend anymore."

"You've never just been my friend." I said, and it was the truth, "I want to be with my fiancé."

Liar, my shadows hissed in betrayal.

But then Tamlin's hands were on my waist, and his lips were on mine. Hot and demanding, yet gentle and calm. I arched into him, savoring the touch of anyone loving, anyone decent. His hands were smooth, arching over my backside, picking me up. My legs wrapped around his waist, my fingers curling into his cropped golden hair. As if we had done this a million times before, I knew exactly how to kiss him, exactly how to move with him.

He walked, never separating us, never allowing distance as he placed me on the bed. His shirt was ripped off with a heaving breath, bare chest and hard muscles illuminated by the candlelight. For the first time, I looked at him and saw more than a friend. I saw an attractive male.

His hands on me lit my skin, the ghost of claws lingering there as he touched me. Over and over, my preconceived notions about him faded away. I let myself be free, let myself enjoy it for what it was. I let myself feel clean while it lasted. There was no passion in my movements, no heart or soul, but it was good nonetheless. It washed away my memories from earlier in the night, gave me a dim light to look towards.

And when it ended, when we had both reached our peak and came back down again, I lay in his arms. Sweat still coated my skin, his scent mixed with mine and lingering there. He was asleep at my back, having curled me against him with a broad hand splayed across my stomach. It was intimate and close, feeling the steady thrum of his heart, surrounded by his power that I knew like my own. I should have been peaceful, was so sure that this would wash away the turmoil in my chest.