Sometimes life has a funny way of presenting itself and Judas was one of those people who thought that his time on Earth wasn't one particularly worth living. Although he had friends like Peter, James, and questionably at times John, he wasn't sure what else was going for him.
Judas' practice with the Ministry of Preaching and Healing felt ironic as he could barely heal himself. Already the c. 3rd century and he couldn't understand what else there was. Sure he could go into sheep shearing or work for his father-- but none of that mattered. He thought life would turn around when he moved out of the quaint town of Kerioth-hezron, but as always, Judas was wrong.
This was all, until he met Jesus. Jesus with the dark, glimmering, beautiful skin. Soulful, light eyes. Brown, deep, soft hair. Not that Judas would notice any of those things. He wasn't interested in anything or anyone other than the man above who took care of the land and led his life in a way that would hopefully, end well. But man, looking at Jesus made him believe he could find his way to John. John the Baptist.
All Judas could remember from their brief encounter which led into a deep, fulfilling friendship was Jesus whispering aloud the words, "Would you like to be my disciple?" And like that, Judas found himself surrounded by these 11 other men. All of whom seemed to be in a state of desperation for salvation much like him.
As days turned into nights, he couldn't shake the feeling of wanting to be close to Jesus. Wanting to be more. The two would play games as the others were busy by tossing balls of stone towards each other, throwing sticks as far as they could, and helping the poor in their village. It was as if everything Judas knew shifted and suddenly, he was no longer only known as "Judas Iscariot" but "Judas the Disciple".
One fair night, a night like none other, a knock came on their communal abode's door. The hinges creaked as the storm from weeks prior left it rusty, acting like a siren for Judas to pay attention to. Opening the door he was met with a figure of whom he cannot remember.
"Greetings young man. I am here to deliver fresh bread for your dear friend, Jesus. Who can I retrieve payments from?"
"Do not worry, I can pay you. How much will it be?"
The pair exchanged their silver and returning back to their cooking space, Judas took a small sliver of the bread. Suddenly insatiated with hunger, he needed more. Consuming every morsel, Judas felt light headed. But rather than feeling the need to fetch water from the pail in the corner, he headed towards the Temple looking for a priest. Unknowing what was to come next, he knelt on the ground in front of the priest.
Looking up, he desperately pleaded, "Please I need more silver. I will do anything, please tell me how I can earn some silver."
The priest stood quietly, as if he were only but listening. "I will do anything, I only need but 30 silver to replenish the bread of Jesus Christ whom I have stolen from. I will betray Jesus even."
In this regard, the priest only responded with a, "Show me proof of your betrayal and we will be able to arrange for your silver."
And so, Judas's return to their home was nothing but full of blurs and desperation. Jesus stood in the living space upon his re-entry and smiled up at Judas. "Has my bread come today?" And in an instant, Judas knew he couldn't go back now. He smiled coyly back, "No, not yet but I'll be sure to let you know when it does." Jesus only expressed gratefulness as always back, and moved back outside to tend to those in the village.
Judas's emotions grew into stress and frustration as he battled the man who saved him from nearly taking his own life. And by the end of the week, he had a plan.
"Jesus, can you help me with the spout in front of the village?"
It was there that in the moment Jesus came next to Judas's form under the guise of needing assistance with a non-existent plumbing issue, where he kissed him. Their lips touched and although chaste, Jesus immediately moved back. Judas's heart suddenly stopped for an unknown reason as he witnessed armed men moved in around Jesus, tackling him to the ground. He witnessed them take his lifeless body away, witnessed his own self as if from an omniscient perspective, and cried into his own arms as he finally understood what he had done.
During the months Jesus was away with no word or updates, Judas's consciousness ate at itself, wondering how he could feel so hollowed out over his friend being suddenly taken. It's not as if he had never lost a friend before, but this one felt different. This one felt like someone had driven a stake into his chest and ripped out his intestines with the wood. There was nothing left for him.
Eventually Judas grew tired, exhausted, of this haunting feeling and went to search for him. In his expedition, he took off without the other 11 knowing where he was, what he was doing, what he had done. He didn't want the silver anymore, he only knew that he needed Jesus back.
He found his friend or who he hoped would still want to be his friend, sitting in a cell. Ragged and skinny from the months of weak meals and lack of water, he bent down in front of his friend.
"I am so sorry Jesus. I did not know that this was the price I would pay. I had eaten your bread, I had wanted to make silver to buy you another loaf, I had wanted to only make you happy-- and here you are in pain, because of me."
Judas's tears falling down his cheeks were gently wiped as Jesus raised his dropped chin to look at him. "It is okay Judas. I forgive you. But we may never be friends again."
And just like that, Judas lost the only person who had made him feel like a person.
c. 3rd century, 4 years later
Judas's new life was dull, full of dread every night, thinking over what he had done in his past. Never hearing or seeing the other men since that moment, he replays the nights full of laughter and camaraderie. But now, he spends his days washing the feet of those above him, who sit on stools and demand something more from him, knowing he will never amount to anything more than a mere dirt man.
It was with his fifth customer of the day, already exhausted, when he recognized his voice. Looking up slowly, his eyes widened as he saw him. "Jesus Christ?"
"Hello Judas, it's nice to see you again."
The extent of their conversation was left to those two short phrases exchanged as Judas slowly worked on Jesus's feet. Hoping to convey every apology, every piece of guilt, every sorrow he had felt over the years from his betrayal. Their short lived kiss plays over and over in his mind as he rinses his work, slowly moving back to allow for Jesus to once again walk out of his life. But it is with his finished work that Jesus speaks once more.
"Judas, how have you been?"
Too shy to reveal the humility of his truth, "I've been doing alright. Trying to relive life as you would want me to." (Maybe the weak guilt tripping wasn't the best idea.)
"Do not lie to me. This is not the life I would want for you to live. I wish for you to be happy and it is clear that, that is what you are not."
Judas rose from his spot on the dry ground, and rose to his full height. "What?"
"I have prayed and learned and asked for forgiveness about my feelings, but in the end I have realized that there is nothing for me to ask for forgiveness for." And with that, Jesus's last breathe was shared with Judas and he passionately kissed him.
What felt like hours, left them breathless over the mere seconds that their faces were pushed together as if by a holy spirit.
"Jesus Christ"
"Judas Iscariot"-- marking the moment in which Judas lost his shame for being an Iscariot and understood that he is who he is.
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I SPENT 20 MINUTES WRITING THIS YOU FUCK #HAPPYBIRTHDAY #GAYRIGHTS #JESUSCHRIST
