It Starts with Coffee

Eleven

"Be gentle with your past selves for doing what they had to do to get through it."
-JORDAN PICKELL

~~

Quitting Gianna's was almost as hard as breaking up with Jack. Gianna took me to her office and I told her everything. Why I've been so sad, what Jack has done and how much her support has helped me. She was so supportive and as much as she doesn't want to lose me, she agrees it's for the best. She wanted to ban Jack from the cafe but his group of friends is so big that she'll lose business and I won't do that to her.

Liam and I have just reached the apartment and are standing in front of the door.

"Are you ready?" he asks me as I nod. He hasn't asked me any questions or ask about how it went and I'm so thankful. I just experienced it, I don't want to have to retell it and live through it again.

I unlock the door and take a deep breath as I walk through the threshold. Liam looks around and frowns, "You've really put effort into this place to make it a home."

"I did. Thank you for noticing" I smile at him but I notice his frown and the sadness in his eyes.

"I'm sorry Jack didn't appreciate this. Appreciate you. You deserve so much better Lottie" he says, "sorry. I wasn't going to bring him up it's just.."

"No, I get it. Thank you. Let's just hurry up and do this. There isn't much up here I want to take. If you can start with the TV, don't forget the remote and then the kitchen appliances. Take all of them. They're all mine and I want them. Jack doesn't cook anyway. I'll be in the bedroom packing up my belongings."

Liam just gives me a smile as he nods before starting to unplug the TV cords. Once I'm in my room, I pull out my box of clothes and don't bother packing anything hanging in the closet. They're all the clothes Jack made me buy. Next is a few knit knacks from home. A photo album and a family photo I have in a picture frame next the the bed. Then I head into the bathroom and shove all my toiletries into a bag then leave the room. There's nothing else I want. I only want the stuff I brought from home not the stuff I brought here for this apartment.

When I walk back into the living area I see Liam has finished and has taken everything I asked down to his car. He's leaning against the wall starting at the table we keep near the entrance. I walk over and see what he's staring at.

It's a picture of Jack and I when we were fourteen. Nearly dating, in that awkward stage with pimply faces and neither of us knowing what to do with our hair. Our arms are around each other. I'm staring at the camera but Jack is staring at me.

"He really loved you" Liam says quietly, "I can see it in the look he's giving you."

"Yeah," I say, "he really did. I fell first but he definitely fell harder. But people grow apart. We should go. There are like six boxes downstairs in storage. Then we are good to go."

"Do you want to take this?" He asks as he offers me the picture frame. I just stare at it for a moment. This picture used to be the one thing I would recuse in a fire and now I'll be glad to light it.

"No" I smile, it's small but it's real. I take the picture into the bedroom and leave it on the bed for Jack to find.

After another ten minutes, we've officially gathered all my belongings into Liam's truck and after forty minutes, we unloaded the truck and carried everything into his...I mean our apartment.

Liam left an hour ago for class and I've set up the TV. Placed a few belongings around the living room, hung clothes in the wardrobe and set up my toiletries in the bathroom. The boxes I had in storage are now in the storage closet near the front door, there's no point in completely unpacking when my plan is to move to the city as soon as possible.

I'm currently sitting on the couch sending my resume to every job I can including over a dozen in the city. Looking at the prices of houses in the area made me sick, it's a coastal town with a high demand for real estate, and there's no way I can afford a place on my own, especially working in a coffee shop. I did notice that there are hardly any jobs offering nearby, as it's a college town, most jobs are already filled with this year's students. I'll be lucky to find anything. There are a few apartments in the city that are reasonable especially with the wages they pay there.

I know I could always go back home but I made it this far, I'd hate to go backward even though I miss my family and they will accept me with open arms. I don't think Jett would appreciate giving up his room for me again for the second time though. I laugh at the thought.

He can keep the room. I'll just move into his old one. It's not worth uprooting him again.

I think about my siblings. There's Dawn; my headstrong supportive twenty-four-year-old big sister, Lola, fifteen-year-old flower-child, vegan and let's save the trees, sister and Jett my fourteen-year-old brother whose passion is boxing much to my parents anguished.

My parents. My heart aches from how much I miss them. Darla and Bill Wilson. My extremely loving and supportive parents that even though their daughter fell pregnant at sixteen with her friend, another daughter suddenly moved back in at nineteen after declaring her independence at sixteen, and another daughter that announced her veganism and beliefs of the state of the world by chaining herself to a tree and a son who decided that boxing was his passion even though his first attempt ended up being knocked out and a hospital trip. My parents didn't agree with any of our decisions but they accepted and supported them all.

I make a mental note to ring them later. I take out the photo album and flip through it. Like me, Dawn and I take after our father. Chubby and tall with brown hair and hazel eyes. Lola and Jett take after our mother short and thin with black hair and dark brown eyes. My mum's parents Nana and Gramps are on the next page with a photo of Aunt Silva, who is my dad's sister, Uncle Eddie her husband and their sixteen-year-old daughter Abbie. We're a close-knit family.

The next few pages are more pictures of us. I smile at the memories and give thanks for how privileged I am to have such a good family. I'll ring them tomorrow and tell them everything. I might even book a holiday to see them in the next weeks.

The next page makes me cry out. It's a picture of Jack and I as toddlers hugging each other with toothless grins. As I look at each picture on each page my heart breaks more and more as the gravity of the situation hits me. Each picture holds a beautiful memory of the story of mine and Jack's best friend-to-soulmate's story. We look so happy. How is this our future? How are we broken up?

I try to brush my tears away so they don't ruin the picture. There's not a memory in my whole life that doesn't have Jack in it.

I cry and I cry and I continue crying. I'm not crying for me. Or the ended relationship or even for him. Not that Jack. I don't know or love that Jack.

I'm in mourning. I am mourning the loss of the old Jack, the relationship we once had and the future I once dreamed of. I mourn the boy I fell in love with, the one I grew up with. I'm mourning the loss of a love that no longer exists because he no longer exists.

My Jack is gone.

I don't how long I sob for but the room is darker when I eventually finish. I check the time and it's a little after five. Liam said he'll be late today because he has a study group at five, I quickly tidy up and start making us some dinner. This is what's it's going to be like for the next few days. Liam will be a school, I'll be stuck here to scared to leave the house. I've already turned my phone off after I broke up with Jack. I can't even imagine the messages I'll be getting.

Deciding to push all thoughts of Jack and my unsure future down until I'm mentally sane whenever that'll be.