It Starts with Coffee

Three

"Don't lose yourself in someone else, For you're the only one for yourself."
-SAMIN KHAN

~~

The next morning my alarm goes off on my phone and I automatically use my right hand to grab it.

"Fuck me. Owww" I cry as pain radiates from my fingers. I feel Jack sit up but I ignore him as I study my injured hand.

"Maybe I should have gone to the hospital. How am I supposed to write and do schoolwork? I'm right-handed. Fuck. That's the last thing I need, to fall behind. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

"Are you okay?" Jack asks sweetly as he goes to grab my hand but I move away.

I don't even remember coming to bed. I don't remember much about last night. Just the feelings from the night..the pain everything else is all a vague blur, until bits and pieces come back to me. The crying, the knife...the blood!

"Fuck me. I have a bathroom to clean. I don't have time for this shit. I have an early class. Fuck fuck fuck!"

I jump out of bed ignoring the dizziness and hurry to the bathroom. When I enter I loudly gasp. The whole place is spotless. No blood. No laundry. Nothing.

"I said I'd clean it last night. Don't you remember?" Jack asks from behind me, I turn around so fast it makes me more dizzy. Jack reaches out to steady me, "You should probably go see a doctor about how dizzy you've been. It's not normal."

"Yeah," I say.

Jack gives me a look. I vaguely remember him having the same look last night, I wish I knew what it meant.

"So I was thinking because you're injured and can't write, we could pull a sickie and spend the whole day here together" Jack grins.

That would have been the best news ever for me from
yesterday morning but I'm not me from yesterday morning anymore. I'm the me that got left to bleed and cry whilst her boyfriend walked out. This me also has an exciting free period with Liam.

"No," I say.

"No.." Jack says.

"No?" He repeats in shock.

"What do you mean no?" He says this time his tone is angry.

"It means no. No means no. I'm going to class. I need to get ready. Excuse me" I say before pushing past him. I open the small wardrobe and stare at the preppy clothes I hate but wear because Jack likes them and they make me fit into his group. Looking down I see the box filled with my old clothes. I kneel down and pull out a pair of leggings and a tan shirt with chickens on it. It's so silly but I love it. I brought it from before we moved here and showed Jack as we were unpacking. I thought he'd love it and laugh like he's always done but he was so mad at me and told me to never wear it.

I tuck the shirt and leggings under my arm and head into the bathroom. Jack has moved from the doorway and is sitting on the bed. From his position, he wouldn't have seen me bend over and he has no idea what clothes I have tucked under my arm. I ignore him and walk directly into the bathroom and first time ever in our relationship I shut the door to have a shower. I hear Jack make a noise but ignore him and turn the water on.

By the time I finish my shower and get ready, Jack is gone. He's school stuff and keys are gone too. Not that that's unusual. He doesn't take me to school with him anymore. He stopped two months ago and said he likes to leave early so I naturally suggested I'll get ready earlier to accommodate him and he just got angry and said we don't have to spend any moment together. It hurt but we already fought the night before over him staying out that night that I didn't have the energy to argue again. That's when I started feeling dizzy. I just decided to get a job instead so I could save up to buy my own car. Until then I walk. It's a twenty-minute walk. It's doable.