To Put On An Act [bxb]

Chapter 28 - i'll be alive after all

"You're not really the kind of person to have fun by himself, I'm going to be honest."
"I also have Dan," Youngbin quickly added.

"Oh, yeah, because Nighttime Dan is known for his riveting commentary when watching ghost hunting videos."

"His silent presence alone is enough to comfort me."

"Youngbin, I don't mind staying here with you tonight. I'm serious. I owe you some- something, I guess." Her brush froze in the air as she pressed her lips together for a second, then she turned back around to face Youngbin. "I don't think I've been a very good friend lately."

Youngbin raised his eyebrows. "Oh?"

"I just- Throughout that whole relationship thing- Well, no, I don't think I've been a super good friend for a while now. Like, in general. Even before Alex." She cleared her throat, cast her gaze down. "I've been pretending to know what's good for you, and then the one time you do the opposite of what I want you to do, you actually start being... happy? Or at least kind of happy."

Kaya now pulled her legs to her chest, resting her arms on her knees. The metallic blue fabric of her skirt stretched and shifted its hue to something greenish. A pretty skirt. It'd been expensive. Youngbin didn't want Kaya to not wear it out today.

"Like I just always wanted you- both of us to be as invisible as possible so nobody bothers us, and it kind of made you miserable, but I always thought that you'd be even worse if there was even more attention on you. Life may be boring like that, but at least people are leaving you alone, you know? But- Well, people didn't leave you alone anyways. I wanted you to be safe, and then I ended up kind of locking you in a cage? I'm no better than your mom."

Youngbin wanted to speak up and disagree. But- No, he wasn't going to blame her. He wasn't going to be mad at her, call her a bad friend, after all, she was the one to know Youngbin the best. She'd never want to harm him. But maybe she'd done so regardless.

"I'm not- trying to side with Alex, at all, but I've watched you be unhappy for years and then you spend your time with someone that isn't me for once and suddenly you change and grow and- I realised that maybe it's me. Maybe I was the problem."

"Without you," Youngbin began, inhaling deeply, "I wouldn't be- I don't know if I'd function. I'd be even more of a shell of a person than I already am. Kaya, you've been my only friend for years because I felt like I'd never ever meet anyone that gets me like you do. I never thought I'd need anyone else."

"But you do need someone else."

Maybe he did, kind of.

"But that doesn't mean I need you any less."

"Don't say it like that." Kaya sighed, her eyes darting through the room as though to avoid looking at Youngbin. "If you make me cry now, I need to redo my whole makeup and I don't have much time anymore."

"I'm not trying to make you cry, I'm just trying to say thank you somehow." Because she knew, thank you was hard to say when one was supposed to put so much emotion into two little words. Of course Kaya knew that. Because Kaya had in fact figured out every part of Youngbin's scattered brain.

"I still- I think I wasn't the best friend to you lately, though. I mean, doesn't matter if I can't stand Alex, I shouldn't have- you know, been such an asshole about him, just because I was jealous of him." So she was. Youngbin was right. "Though, I guess it doesn't matter now, since he's your, you know. Ex. But I still feel like I shouldn't be an asshole about him."

Right. He was his ex. His ex boyfriend. Youngbin pressed his lips together. Boyfriend had never felt like the right word. Ex boyfriend felt even more wrong now.