Finding her Existence

CHAPTER 7: PART-2

Anirudh interrupted, Bondita par maine.." She cuts him in between " Janti hu aapne unhe mana kiya tha aur samjhti bhi hu ki kyun kiya tha aapne aur unhone aisa isliye toh maine unhe maaf bhi kar diya par kya aapko pata hai maine us din ke baad kabhi unhe maa nahi bulaya kyunki jab unnhone mujhse ye kaha ' Teri maa mar gayi tere liye ' uske baad unhone mujhe Maa bulaane ko bhi kabhi nahi kaha kyunki vo kabhi ye baat dekh hi nahi paayi."

"Aur main hu toh unki hi beti toh agar kabhi maine bhi ye kiya toh main khud ko kabhi maaf nahi kar paaungi kyunki bhalai ke liye jo bhi kiya usse mujh par kya beeti ye sirf main jaanti hu aur main kabhi nahi chaahungi ki kisi aur bachche ko ye sab sahna pade mere karan. Main maanti hu aapne mana kiya par vo sab kahne ko aapne nahi kaha tha aap toh mujhe kuch samay se hi jaante the par vo toh meri maa thi na unhe kuch aur kyun nahi sujha. Par sirf yahi ek karan nahi.

Anirudh felt a pang in his heart when she said that he knows her somepart only when he always said that he knows her fully.

" Pata hai dusra karan vo hai Consent jo maa banne ki natural process  mein sabse jaruri hai vo consent jo main kisi ko shayad kabhi nahi de sakti, vo consent jo aapne hi mujhe sikhjaya tha. Vo consent jo maine ek samay aapse cheene ki kosish ki jab main aapko mujhe apni patni maanne par majboor kar rahi thi. Aur vahi consent jo us Thakur ne mujhse cheena par mere rakshak babu ne mujhe bacha liya. Isiliye main kabhi maa nahi ban sakti ya banna nahi chahti."

"Bondita.."

" Aapne vaada kiya hai shanti se sunne ka, agar aap bole toh main uttar nahi dungi, please chup rahihye aur mujhe bolne dijiye." And again she started," Aapka dusra prashn, ki aap toh mere patibabu hai toh fir main aapse ek din kyun mang rahi thi "

" Kya aapko yaad hai jab Samaroh mein jo Kaka sasurji ne meri shaadi ki saalgirah par rakha tha usmejab aap mujh par chillaye the aur fir humne ek dusre se maafi maangi thi. Aap mujhse maafi maang rahe the aur main aapse, par har baar sirf humne wek duisre se yahi kaha galti tumhari nahi meri hai kisine ye nahi kaha tha ha maine tumhe maaf kiya kyunki kisine maaf kiya hi nahi tha."

By listening her all the flashbacks started to come again in fornt of him. But he stayed mum to listen her side.

" Pata hai main aapse maafi maangne aayi toh thi par main apni galti sahi se nahi jaanti thi main toh us din bhi galat hi thi, main aapse isliye maafi maang rahi thi kyunki mujhe laga tha ki main jo bhi kar rhi thi vo ache se nahi tha main aapko khush karna chahti thi aur mujhe laga main padhayi nahi kar rahi thi isliye hi aap gussa hai, aur fir maine socha ab aapko padhayi karke khush karungi, maine isliye bhi aayi thi khaan a leke kyunki kahi na kahi main usdin bhi ek achi patni banna chahti thi jo kuch bhi ho jaaye apne pati ko bhukha nahi sone deti hai. Par main usdin aapse naraaz bhi thi aur isliye maine soch jab tak aap mujhe manayenge nahi ki main aapko phir se patibabu hi bulaau tab tak main aapko biristra babu hi bulaungi aur isliye us raat se maine aapko pati babu nahi kaha, pata hai lekin main kisise bhi jyaada din naraaz nahi rah sakti aur shayad main jald hi aapko phir pati babu bhi bulane lagti agar agle din humare school mein bhaashan nahi hoto toh, us din jab maine self respect and self worth pe ek angrez teacher ka bhaashan suna tab mujhe samajh aaya ki self respet aur self worth kitni important hoti hai sirf ek purush ke liye hi nahi balki ek mahila ke liye bhi jo bharat ke jyaada tar gharon mein kabhi unhe dena aur maangna sikhaya hi nahi jaata. Us din mujhe laga ki jab aapne mujhe sabke saamne mana kar diya patibabu bulane se toh main phir aapko ek spineless creature ki tarah kaise phir se patibabu bulane ka soch sakti hu aur phir mera aapko biristra babu hi bulane ka samay shuru hua aur vo chalta hi rahta kyunki aap kabhi mujhe ye nahi kahte ki mujhe patibabu bulao Bondita ye main tab nahi jaanti thi par jald hi jaan gayi. Jab ek din aap kolkata gaye the mujhe aapki study ki safaai karte hue ek diary milli aur kuch patra bhi, main use padhne lagi puri padhi thi maine vo aur tab bohot kuch saaf ho gaya tha.