Marauders - Always - Part One

Things You Can't Say

"How did you forgive him?"

"One step at a time... with a lot of patience and some time apart and then just... trying. Trying because not trying meant not being together and that... wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to be with Sirius. I want to be with Sirius forever. So every day I try as though my life depends on it because... it does."

Spencer suddenly seemed to change the subject then. "If Sirius grew up on Grimmauld Place then he must've come from a well-to-do family, like my grandfather was. Very aristocratic, very by-the-book and focused on perfection, on being enviable and being top of the pile, if you know what I mean. Things had to always be respectable and proper and it was very hard being a creative person in an environment like that... Creativity comes out of making a mess and I was being stifled. I wasn't allowed to make mistakes."

Remus nodded slowly, listening.

"Everything I did reflected on the family. I couldn't be me because I was so busy pleasing them. And not that I don't love them. I love my family --"

"Ah, well that's where you differ greatly from Sirius," Remus smiled sadly. "Sirius's family is... quite awful and he didn't try to please them. At least not after I knew him. He took every value they had and shoved off." Remus's smile deepened as he thought about what a rebellious soul his husband was.

Spencer stared at Remus, then said, "You really can tell how much you love him. It's written all over your face when you speak of him. I've never seen anyone look the way you've just done."

Remus laughed, "You'll find your person - whether it's Lula or some other girl --"

"Or guy?" Spencer said quietly.

Remus paused, pep-talk forgotten. Suddenly an echo of something Lula had said before fluttered through Remus's mind and he bit his lips, the inquiry hanging between them, unspoken, until finally Spencer said, "Yeah."

Remus swallowed back his apprehension, "Really?"

Spencer said, "It was one of the things that came up when we were fighting."

"Did she not know?"

"She knew. She knew before I did. She acted as though she had no idea, like it was sudden, me being bisexual, but it wasn't sudden and she did know. She's always known." Spencer sighed and rubbed his eyes and pushed his plate of salad away.

Remus was still biting his lips. Then, deciding, he said, "I was uncomfortable with her modeling, too, because -- I am, too."

Spencer looked at Remus with interest. "Yeah?"

Remus nodded.

There was something relieving about it - about someone else knowing something about him that he'd only recently discovered himself. And there was a weight off his chest, which had been pressing at him for some time - he hadn't even realized it was there but now that it was lifted he felt like he could breathe for the first time. And it was nice to have someone who understood it. When he'd told Sirius, Sirius hadn't understood the idea of bisexuality. He'd thought Remus was weird, even if he hadn't said It, Remus had felt it lurking in between the words that Sirius did say. But he didn't feel weird. Not deep down. It made sense to love both men and women to Remus. Why should he have to choose? Shouldn't he just love whoever it was he was in love with, regardless of what physical markers they did or did not have? Loving Sirius made sense on every level - but if he'd met a woman he loved before he'd met Sirius, wouldn't that have made sense, too? 

Spencer looked relieved, too, and he said shakily, "I am so glad you don't think I'm crazy."

"I don't." Remus said sincerely. "I get it."