Kintsugi

18.

Growing up, Hwayoung had never seen her parents being the kind of Christians who were overly religious, who attended the weekly mass or participated in many church activities. The couple had been happy just existing, working in their library and cherishing moments with their daughters.

It all changed after Emily's death. She was buried and her parents had somehow wandered in the warm embrace of God. It didn't lessen their pain, no but they were slowly accepting it. Accepting that it wasn't their fault she had decided to give up. She had been tired, too tired for a person her age.

They had loved her with their whole being, so had Hwayoung but sometimes it wasn't enough. Sometimes it became harder to breathe because of that same love, the concern, the sleepless nights.

Emily had died for peace.

Hwayoung found peace in the old churches with their wooden ceilings and pews. The candles at the altar cast a dreamy glow about, unlike the bright LED lights. Candles felt natural, their light warm instead of piercing.

Although a lot of churches in Korea had opted to modernise their buildings, some maintained their old charm and that is where she found closest to God.

It was ironic, a person was supposed to feel close to God regardless of the place but it worked differently for her and Hwayoung didn't think it made her any less of a Christian. People were free to worship in any way they saw fit, as long as it was within reason.

So, she spent Saturday mornings in a church not too long from her house. She ran the distance and sat on the last pew and just opened her heart with her eyes closed and let God see everything.
She didn't ask for forgiveness for any of her actions because they were in the past, a part of her now and it didn't make any difference if she didn't persevere to better herself.

Today though, she had nothing embarrassing to show, only how her heart raced with the thought of a certain man. A man she believed could be her life partner and she only asked courage and power to face the future, whatever it held.

As she walked back home, she hoped her parents accepted the news with as much happiness as she had felt sitting in the church. She couldn't keep it from her parents; she had always told them everything, from her first crush to the first time she realised she wasn't so good mentally. She would tell them as soon as they recovered from their memories of the day.