The Running Diaries - Journey To Half Marathon

Day 15-20

Lockdown Day 15.

Can confirm: it did not end well and have spent today with a slightly fuzzy head. It is safe to say that the 26 minute 5K was broken today and soared back up to 28 minutes. If that doesn't keep me away from the wine, then I don't know what will. Unsurprisingly, anxiety has been through the roof today and I have been unable to open any Tinder or Snapchat conversations from last night and I intend to make the unseen messages stay a mystery. The girl I was last night and the girl I am today are 2 different people. For example, the girl I was last night was a little on the uncontrollable whore side, or maybe more of a minx that a whore, perhaps whore may be a little on the harsh side. The girl today, however, is boiling over with anxiety, asking herself why oh why did she celebrate with wine rather than a diet coke?

The day has been a bit of a write off, although I'm very glad that I pushed myself out of the door to go for a 5K, regardless of how shoddy it felt, and it stopped with 5K and absolutely no HIITT class was done today. Think if I even attempted a burpee then I would violently throw up and would never do a HIIT class ever again, would also probably be laughed at by the next door neighbour who I have caught looking out of the upstairs window at me, but always pretend I did not see so that we can both hide our embarrassment, her from being a peeper and me from being an unfit mess.

A part of me is telling myself to get a grip, almost wanting to be punished for having wine rather than a water last night, the other part (a much smaller part) is saying 'you were celebrating a big event in your lockdown life, and you still managed a run'. Both of these things, of course, are correct but being correct doesn't cure my thumping head. Yes, I played it down big time before because that's what I do, I play things down unless I'm in the mood to be overly dramatic which today, after a 12 hour shift, a pretty bad 5K and a fishfinger salad that didn't bang like it usually does, I've not got the energy for.

Stuck in a severe mental battle of 'you're a failure' and 'you're rewarding yourself'. Here's the thing, rewarding myself with a chocolate bar? I could never! Think of the calories. Rewarding myself with a wine? Well, crack the bottle open then and don't tell Myfitness Pal.

Fun fact is that I never knew that drinks, and more importantly alcohol had calories in them. Which now, makes understanding my weight gain at university a lot easier to understand. I used to demolish multiple fizzy lucoszades throughout the day and then move onto a shit tonne of Russian standard at the night, until I ran out of money and then it'd be frosty jacks (do not judge me, I had it with cordial which makes me a little classier, right?) Then there was the boxes of wine that I would purchase in year number 3 which for £4.99 was a no brainer, echo falls, eat your heart out.

I'm shaking my head as I write this, wondering how I only managed to be struck down with alcohol poisoning twice in my three years of living in Ormskirk, also wondering how I didn't end up in a ditch, unless I did and don't remember it?

Trying to fill my mind with anything and everything that I possibly can so that I don't die of embarrassment at my university behaviour and so that the squirming can stop. I can confirm that the only thing that I can somewhat distract myself with is running. Have spent today's run telling myself that the run had to be done and that it was my own fault for it being a terrible experience all round.

Wish I knew the reasoning behind why hangovers make us feel so much worse during exercise, but I really do not have the energy to google it. Also realised that I much prefer the lunch time runs that I had previously been doing, but could not do today because I didn't trust how my body felt to get me a time under 30 minutes. Even if on a lunch run, I'm overheating from the midday sun and wonder just how close I am to collapsing I have to be to wear shorts, they're still my favourite runs. Onto the topic of shorts: I have never been someone who cares what other people think, but after looking in the mirror as I stand in my underwear and looking more like a ham joint than a Green Goddess, I realise that I do care what people think I bet it's not good thoughts.