You drew stars around my scars

Chapter 30

Taylor began to write her new album – it was mostly sad songs at the moment but that had been her life for the last year so it is no surprise. She began to see her friends again and felt like some of the anxiety that was hanging over her was lifting.

Jessica continued to eat about half of all her meals – that was all she was comfortable with, she ate enough that it seemed she was making an effort but not too much that it was 'unnecessary'. Taylor monitored daily on the app and was concerned that Jessica didn't seem to be making progress but she didn't mention it on their daily facetimes – instead thinking she would ask the Doctor Saturday. Jessica had told her that she didn't need anything this week but Taylor had decided to create a drawing for her – something she could keep near her bed to remind her of home.

Friday morning Taylor's phone dinged – signally another message from the app. Taylor saw it was Jessica's weight – she had gained 1.6lbs this week. Initially there was a swell of happiness but almost immediately Taylor began to worry it wasn't enough. It was close to 2lbs but not hitting it – and 2lb was the minimum. Just as she began to worry about it more another message came through "Dear Ms Swift, due to Jessica's weight gain being below the predicted level for this week we have made the difficult decision to postpone your face to face visit. Your video calls will resume Sunday as planned. Please call us for further information if required." Taylor sighed and dropped her head into her hands, feeling instant fear as she dialled the number for the treatment centre, she introduced herself to the nurse who answered then waited patiently to be connected to a Doctor

"Good Morning Ms Swift, nice to speak to you again – I assume you're ringing about Jessica's weight?"

Taylor nodded "Yes, I can see she has gained 1.6lbs and so this hasn't been enough for a face to face visit?" The doctor hummed sympathetically "absolutely, while it is a great improvement for her first full week, it still isn't at the minimum required level – we made the difficult decision because although it may seem petty we feel it is important Jessica knows that she really does have to stick to the plan. We were concerned that if we let it slide again this week Jessica wouldn't make any further progress." Taylor agreed quickly "That was actually something I wanted to ask about this week – I can see that at every single meal she is completing only 50%. Now I understand she was never going to start eating her full meal plan overnight but that's a consistent amount which makes me feel it is planned. Is there anything we can do? Is this normal?

The doctor listened carefully before replying "it's normal in the fact that we see it a lot however it's not a behaviour we tolerate. Many patients eat the bare minimum – just enough that it appears they're trying, but to be stopping themselves halfway through a meal proves it is an eating disorder behaviour. That is why we decided to be strict – she will learn she has to eat her whole meal – or at least an increase if she wishes to have privileges. If she doesn't gain enough weight next week we will not only cancel the face to face but also then change phone calls to alternate days. It seems harsh, but it acts as a motivator and also stops Jessica trying to rationalise her behaviour to you. The one amazing thing we have noticed this week is that Jessica is beginning to share more in therapy. In the group sessions she is still very quiet but in her 1 to 1 sessions she is telling us more about her fears and emotions." Taylor grinned "that's a great step – I would guess the more she opens up, the more the underlying eating disorder thoughts can be addressed and as that happens then we will see further improvements with her eating too?" The doctor agreed quickly then they discussed the plan for the week. As Taylor hung up she found herself feeling a bit lost – now she didn't have a visit scheduled for tomorrow she had nothing to do. She quickly sent a few texts to friends to see if anyone was free but they all had made plans – she was invited along but didn't feel like parties and glamour. Instead she decided to continue writing her new album – getting more of her emotions out.

Sunday evening the scheduled facetime call connected and Taylor could instantly see Jessica was unhappy "they stopped you from visiting even though I'd gained nearly enough weight. All the bloody meals this week were a waste of time. I've been REALLY trying this week and it just isn't enough!" Taylor kept her tone steady and slow as she responded, aware she wanted to stay away from an argument or breakdown of the girl "nearly enough isn't enough. You have a set target – you didn't hit it. It's black and white. I've been watching on the app and you're not finishing any of your meals – I get it, you know I do but avoiding this doesn't help. You need to let them help you. Ultimately you're not coming home until you're healthy – if that takes 6 months then it'll take 6 months. You say you have no control but really you are the only one in control here – you control this." Jessica nodded, contemplating what Taylor said but what she said next broke the blonde's heart all over again "I miss you! I wanted to see you this week!"

Taylor swallowed "I know, I really miss you too buddy but these are the rules we have to stick to – remember how we spoke about this last week?" Jessica nodded again but the tears flowed freely this time "It's so hard Tay! Everything feels so hard! I'm trying hard and I'm exhausted and I just want to be at home. It's horrible everyday and my stomach hurts and I'm supposed to talk to everyone when I don't know them at all!" The whingey tone became more evident towards the end of the girl's rant and Taylor wished she could give her a hug, it was hard enough being in recovery without having to do it in a strange place, surrounded by people you're not comfortable with. She tried to imagine how she would feel in the same situation "I am sure it all feels really overwhelming right now, it feels like everything is out of control for you and you want some home comforts. I get that – but you have to think about the bigger picture – every meal you eat is a step closer to home, every step in therapy is progress in you feeling better. I know you want to be at home but that's just so you can continue with the eating disorder – right now the doctors and nurses know all your tricks, you can't fool them and I'll bet it's pretty exhausting constantly trying to trick them or trying to figure out ways to get around eating. I know how difficult it is – I know everything in you is screaming not to do this and that's totally normal – but you need to be really brave and push through it. If you just hand over that last bit of control and realise there is no getting out of it – I promise it'll be a lot easier." Jessica sniffled as Taylor talked but she seemed to be really listening to the woman, Taylor felt like they were having the same conversations over and over but she knew the teen's brain wasn't functioning properly at the moment and she would tell her the same information 100 times if it meant at some point she really heard it.

Jessica told her a few snippets of her therapy sessions this week and then finally she asked Taylor "It's been 2 weeks – what is going to happen with my NG tube Tay? It only lasts another 2 weeks" Taylor sighed loudly "erm I don't actually know Buddy – we would have to ask the Doctors – BUT I guess they will change it and put a new one in?" Jessica gasped loudly and Taylor continued "Buddy, they can't take it out while you're not eating – they're putting the supplement down it after meals, right?" Jessica nodded "well yeah, but I COULD drink it. I don't want a new tube again, last time it was horrendous!" Taylor tried to calm her down "I'll ask the Doctors this week buddy – don't stress about it. But to be totally honest with you, the only way to get rid of it is to be eating everything on your meal plan. If they say you need it, then we will change it again – I'll make sure I'm there when they do it. But let's worry about that when we need to, ok?" Jessica nodded solemnly then the two of them said goodbye and hung up – Jessica thought about what Taylor said and in that moment she knew she had to start to eat properly– she couldn't go through another NG placement again, she became determined that she wouldn't let them.