I'm Gonna Write a Book

Burning Bridges

Sat Mar 16, 2:09am

So, as of right now... I'm currently drinking Jack Daniels Apple flavor out of a wine glass. Why am I drinking? I finally am alone. After all this time away from Florida. I get one glorious weekend to myself in Anaheim. I finally have time to just sit around writing, napping, singing, and just overall existing without criticism. Alone time is so valuable. Do not under estimate it's power. I have had two nights now by myself and I feel more sober and self aware than usual. Like I have been lost for so long I forgot what it's like to have my shit together. 

I'm not worrying, I'm not trying to look prettier than I am, and I am simply in pajamas eating snacks. I am watching a corny movie with a reasonable heart rate. I'm not anxious or feeling like I'm not doing enough. It is a sense of peace I haven't had in a long time. 

I did and may still have feelings for Jared. I am aware it is a dead end, and that distance is the right call. I am just adjusting to not texting or hanging out. I also realize it is race season and I am literally a 22 year old woman with a passable body, I am not someone to be taken seriously. Especially, because of my father. Maybe if we met with none of our family being involved it could've been different. At least that's what I tell myself. I haven't discussed this with Jared. We had one conversation in person about what we were to each other. The highlight was when he told me, 

"We aren't going to ride off into the sunset, what were you really expecting?"

Valid question. Lots of emotions running through my head and body. I guess I thought we would find out. I did not think we would get married or anything, but I figured we would spend time, go on dates, hang out, to find out what we were to each other. I never had an idea of what we were not going to be. Jared did though. Jared knew we were never going to be serious. That just really did not sit well with me. I was hurt. I wanted to at least get on the roller coaster, before I find out the ending or exact path it takes. It was the world's worst spoiler. 

Why couldn't we fuck around and find out? Why did he tell me what we would never be? I suppose to communicate boundaries . Although he could have been kinder about his delivery. I feel foolish that I developed feelings for him. I got caught up in how nice it was to hang out and how much he turned me on laying in bed.  I forgot that, I am someone not worth riding off into the sunset with. I know he would tell me I am worth it but just not to him. I hate how I can understand but want to cry all at once. 

I should've known better. I should've done better. I can't believe I let him grab my breasts. For him it was probably amazing, but for me it was a double edged sword. One one end, I was turned on and felt like a woman for the first time in a long time. Towards the other end,  I regret letting him lay his hands on me because he doesn't care like I wish he did.

He is a nice enough person in general, but I am nothing special. He will not commit to me or even treat me like lady he dates. Is there no where on the spectrum of familiarity, between stranger and soul mate? Why couldn't we find a happy medium? Where he invites me to spend time with him when he can, and try to at least go out? Then cap the fun times off with amazing sex. I feel like if Jared just met me halfway, I'd appreciate it. 

Or, if he is busy because racing is starting, he has to build cars and go to the track. I can't imagine how busy he is. At the same time when he is home from work and knows I'm in the area. Is he not aware that if he invited me over, I 'd fuck his brains out? 

At this point I just want a welcoming attitude from him. I really fucked up last Saturday, but a lot went into why I did what I did. Jared never asked me why I was crying or what was wrong. He is what's wrong.

I lost my shit because he was hitting on literally all the women at the track. I realized that his prince charming charm was something he did for everyone. If it started and stopped at that, I'd see no issue. Yet, it does not. He has comments like wanting to take women home and slapping their  'bums'

But no. Never talk to me about why I was upset sir. I think he knows. I think he decided that whatever this adventure we've been on , is over. Too bad he was too much of a coward to tell me. For a 50 year old man, he sure acts like he is 19 and hasn't learned how to respect or appreciate women. 

I apologized for getting too drunk and hysterically crying. I also told him off because my dad and I were fighting and he always chimes i with "Don't provoke" like shut the fuck up. I don't need another man telling me to stand down. I need that independence and stregth. By submitting to my father when it could be civil and calm.  It feels like abandoning my principles. I don't let go of what I believe in very well. It is what makes me who I am. 

So does Jared like me for who I am? Or does he perceive my situation as drama he doesn't need?

Why are we wasting time asking? You and I both know Jared does not really like me for me. He likes how big my tits are and the fact I'm attracted to him. I hope I'm wrong but next chapter will prove to be disappointing, I fear.