Everything Has Changed

Unexpectedly Expecting

But an abortion was out of the picture. Nothing religious or what not, but she just couldn't do it to herself. No matter what Taylor felt in that moment in time, no amount of unhappiness could erase a life time of guilt and what ifs. You can still be pro-choice and not have the bloody abortion. It's called being pro choice for a reason, but she wouldn't let the media know that. They would have a field day if information like that got out.  She knew one day it would. It was never a matter or if, but always when.

It was beginning to get dark outside. She could see that the sun had finally set over the horizon and London city skyline in the distance from unfrosted bathroom window. A window that had almost caught Taylor and Travis out too many times over that past summer. But thinking practically, if she had the baby, the tour would be over. It would have to be. It was physically demanding for her own body alone, let alone one trying to make a home for a second person too. She owed it to them for so many years of lost tours and performances. It wasn't as if Taylor could just post on her instagram

Sorry the rest of the US tour dates are cancelled because I decided to have some great sex with my hot American football playing boyfriend Travis lol!!!

 Oh and Tree. Tree was going to kill her for this. Hadn't that been one of their resolutions, and her promises. Taylor had promised Tree that 2024 would be the year. It would be the year where Taylor would attempt to create the least amount of drama possible. Call it the reward for ten years of dedication: a long service medal/ She fought just as hard as any other solider. She bled to be the greatest solider in Taylors battles, fighting along side her every single step of the way. At least she wouldn't be on her back to eat anymore, because if there was one thing that baby was... was it was hungry. Unsurprising seeing as it's dad could eat a horse and come back for the jockey. Her priorities for the year had been set though. And none of them included a baby. 

But was that Joe who was talking. He had always been Mr Organised. That is what she loved about him, in the beginning. She liked someone who was just like her: who wanted to plan everything around their careers and made sure to make that their number one priority. I guess it worked in the beginning, but as her fame began to exponentially grow and his just seemed to stay the same, he didn't want the same priorities. He began to use it against her. The reason why she couldn't get pregnant and kept miscarrying. It was because she was too focussed on her career. That her eggs were clearly past their sell by date. 

Wow was he now suddenly a baker now. She thought she only dated one guy from the bakery...

But in the end it was bitter jealously, and she knew that Travis deep down wouldn't be like that. Maybe it was the past that was talking. Screaming from the pits of disappear, or from the crypt. The voices telling her to punish Travis for the things that Joe did. She saw him the other day. He didn't notice her, or so she thought. It had been on the high street, the day before Travis left to return to Kansas City again for the pre season games to begin once more. They had planned a cute date of coffee and pastries at GAILS, a walk through the heath and then a nice movie night with takeout and snacks. He hadn't been alone. 

He was with her. 

The one he went to bed with whilst she was passing the final clots of what would have been their child. There is nothing more degrading than a man, your man, giving into his basic biological instincts and desires when she couldn't even fufill her own. Sat in a bathroom, crying in despair as your child slowly dies in front of your eyes is something that should be shared. The pain, the heartbreak, the loss and the suffering. He shouldn't feel full and satisfied whilst she felt empty and hollow. 

How long she had been sat on that bathroom floor was a mystery but she found herself to be shivering uncontrollably. The UK may lack AC but it made up for it by just being naturally cold and murky all year round. The pathetic fallacy was coming through hot and strong that night. There was a definite storm approaching. She could feel it in her bones. But her weather app also confirmed it. Nothing like a second opinion from the Met Office weather channel. Eventually Taylor found the courage to pull herself up from the bathroom floor, crossing over to retrieve the discarded pregnancy tests from hours ago, pocketing them for later. She didn't want the removal men to find them in the morning.

She knew that there was absolutely no food whatsoever in the house for it had all been cleared out ready for her to leave the next morning. So takeout it was. She ordered from her favourite Italian restaurant and slumped herself in front of the tv in search of something that wouldn't trigger her high emotional and volatile hormones. She settled on one of her favourite British comedies: Bridget Jones' Diary. Something about a slightly awkward, unlucky in love thirty two year old woman living on her own resonated with Taylor as she sat stuffing her face with pasta and bread. She was eating for two after all, and the baby already had Taylor wrapped around its little finger. Just like Travis, it was already a carb lover and sadly, a lover of mint chip ice cream. Taylor had to put aside her distain for the iced confectionary in the name of reproduction. She found herself a spoon in one of the boxes and broke into the tub. 

Occasionally she would see a message pop up from Travis. She knew that if she was awake enough to see all of his texts that he was sending her, then she was defiantly up too late. But Taylor just couldn't sleep, and she knew that tossing and turning as she laid in bed trying to sleep wouldn't help either. She picked up her phone as she watched the beginnings of the closing credits appear on the television screen.

Travis: I know you are still awake Tay. I can see that you are active. Go to sleep already and stop worrying about whatever is going around in your head. I know you, it will still be there tomorrow. Night Night Babe, I will see you soon xxx 

She hearted the message before closing her phone down and setting her alarms for the next day. A full bowl of pasta and a whole tub of mint chip ice cream down, Taylor was well and truly ready for bed. As she sat in bed, she could feel herself begin to start to want to toss and turn. She wished she had spoken to Travis, but she just couldn't. Speaking to him and not telling him about the baby. Their baby. It would feel wrong. And Taylor knew that she would feel so guilty. He had a right to know and she knew that he would want to know too. But looking at the phone screen and not his face made it all so real. 

Even though she knew that she would see Travis' face again in a couple of days, to her at that moment in time, it felt like he was a million miles away. She knew that she wasn't going to sleep, so Taylor turned over to grab something from her handbag that was hanging on the back of the bedroom door. Pulling out a black fountain pen, her favourite one, and her battered diary she found a fresh page and dated it, pouring out her thoughts and feelings in a hope that it would eventually bring her some peace and allow sleep to settle in...

August 21st 2024

Dear Diary,

I am pregnant.... And I am so fucking scared!

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Surprise.... the answer to the cliffhanger at the end of Part II. Taylor is officially pregnant so well done to those who guessed it correctly. Shoutout to @Mchickenlover97 who I believe was the first to guess that Taylor was pregnant and also to @KayRose25 who also guessed she was pregnant. But is she happy about this baby??? And what will happen when Taylor returns to the USA in the next chapter and finally has to face her new harsh reality???