Tyler,
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'll never receive a response. I just feel like I have to. I think about you all the time, but I know you're not coming back. A lot can change in a year, and the last year has had me thinking. There's some things I've never said out loud. But somehow, I think you knew what those things were.
When I was younger, I never expected my life to turn out like this. I always thought I'd be dead by the age of 18. But I wasn't. And I was grateful for that. For you. Grateful that I met you when I did. Grateful that you never gave up on me. You never let me struggle alone, even though you didn't always know what I was struggling with or that I was even struggling at all. I know it wasn't always easy being my friend. And I'm sorry for that. I never apologized, and it's always made me feel guilty. Honestly though, I knew you wouldn't have accepted it. You always told me that friends were supposed to be there for each other, no matter how thick or thin, so I felt like you never wanted to hear me say I was sorry. But I feel like I have to. At least once. So I'm sorry. But also, thank you. That's another thing I never said enough. Thank you. Thank you for being there, for sticking by me through everything.
You're the majority of my favorite memories. I don't have a lot without you in them. Meeting you is my favorite one of all. So many more were acquired because of that one alone. Our first date. Our first kiss. Our first night together. Our wedding day. Of course our beautiful kids. They remind me so much of you every time I look at them, let alone their personalities. They're a lot like you, it's almost insane. I wouldn't change it for anything though. Sam is growing up so fast. He learned to ride his bike this past summer and his goal is to have the training wheels off by spring. Madeline is learning to crochet. Your mom has been teaching her to make a bunch of different stuff lately. I've been finding granny squares everywhere for a month now. They're both so smart, Tyler. They definitely get that from you. They both love music and Sam even asked to take guitar lessons. Madeline has been studying different types of poems and has written a few by herself. I don't know much about poetry. That's always been your thing. I trust that she knows what she's doing, though.
They ask about you a lot. Sam doesn't understand quite yet. Every once in a while, he'll ask when you're coming home. Madeline and I have both tried to help him understand that...you're not. He'll ask why. I never have an answer. I don't know why you're not coming home. I don't know why you had to leave in the first place. Madeline told me today that she's starting to forget your voice. I let her listen to old voicemails and she cried. I held her, but I haven't had tears left to cry in over a year.
Some days I don't know if I'm enough for them. It's so hard doing this alone. Harder than I thought it would be. Our families help when they can, but there's so much stuff I didn't realize we did together that is so noticeable when done alone. Even sometimes brushing my teeth and seeing that there's only one toothbrush in the cup, I'm reminded. It's hard getting out of bed some days, knowing that you won't be there when I do. I can sometimes feel myself slipping and I wish I could go back to the café in Columbus and spill my coffee on you again. Frantically try to help clean your shirt while you laugh. God, your laugh. It's been so long since I've heard it. I watch back some of our videos so I can hear it, but there's something off about it. It's not the same as it once was.
Dallon has tried to get me out to meet some people. I've went on a couple dates, but I haven't found you. I never will. You told me not to mourn, you told me to move on to someone else, but I can't, Tyler. It just doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel natural, the way it did with you.
Dallon's band is getting bigger. They released a new album not too long ago. Brendon and Sarah had their first baby and Brendon announced the disbandment of Panic!. Jenna graduated last year and has been doing really well. She's currently in Copenhagen, teaching a kids culinary class. She's sent me a few recipes to try with the kids, but they haven't been turning out very good. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but Jenna said she'll teach me once she's back home.
It's almost Christmas. Last year was rough. It was the first time I genuinely realized you weren't coming back. We decorated the tree and there wasn't anybody there to put the star on top. Sam did it. Madeline put your stocking over the fireplace. It was still missing the L, so my mom fixed it. I'm not ready for your name to disappear, even if just one letter. I got Madeline a journal to keep her poems in and some pens that she's been wanting. Supposedly they write like butter, whatever that means. I got Sam a guitar that Dallon helped pick out. Dallon says he'll teach Sam to play. We're having our families come over Christmas Day. My mom and your mom are going to help with dinner and our siblings are coming over too. Play some games, watch A Charlie Brown Christmas. This year was supposed to be your turn to read T'was the Night Before Christmas since I did it last year. That's okay, though. I don't mind reading it again.
Do you think you could give us a Christmas miracle and come back? Even just long enough to watch the kids put milk and cookies out? Maybe meet me under the mistletoe on your way out the door? I'll never ask for anything again. I promise.
I know it will get easier with time. Just please don't think we'll forget about you. It's impossible. I'm going to end this here, but don't worry, I'll write again sometime. I'll be here to annoy you even through death.
With love,
Josh
