*TRIGGER WARNING*
I wake up to the sound of my band mates and Sammie talking in a group. I lay silent in attempt to listen to what they are saying but everything just sounds muffled. I stand on my feel and lazily drag myself over to the 'gang' Sammie spots me first and she yells my name loud in a way to let the other guys know I was here. I said hi and took a seat on our sofa.
The guys were acting weirder than normal and it made me feel uneasy. Jack gestured for the others to leave us alone, they obey him. Jack sits on the floor in front of me and looks up to me, a look of worry. It only makes me feel more uneasy.
"Hey, Jo... erm... are you okay with this.... All this touring and moving around?" He asks me, his tone was serious and he was almost wispering to me.
"I'm fine, Jack... why? What's wrong?" Everything seemed so good last night. Are they kicking me from the band?
"We thought you would want to hear it from us first... It's all over the Internet saying you're depressed and have been... s...sui..." Jack coughs like he is trying to stop himself saying it "... you have tried to... uh..... end your own life?"
It pained him to say it and it pained me to hear him say it. How has the internet found out about this?!
"How has this come out? Who is saying this?" I ask panicking, not confirming anything.
"Apparently some dumb internet blogger has spoke to you about it, apparently there's a voice recording of it all being said but we haven't heard it."
My heart felt like it did a million flips, I know exactly what happened. Lila. The girl from last night, it was no coincidence that I spill my guts out to a girl and the next day everything is going around the internet. No wonder she barely spoke about herself. I really thought we had a connection but obviously it was artificial on her part. I could cry, my whole life has just been leaked onto the internet overnight. Fuck.
I can't belive my band had found out. "So is it true?" Jack asks me. I can see he has hope in his eyes, hoping that I deny it. What's the point in lying anymore? "I'm sorry Jack, it's true." My heart breaks when I see how hurt Jack is.
"Y.. you could have told me, we were... are friends, why didn't you tell me?" His voice cracked and his eyes began to water, he was holding back tears. "Jack, I didn't want to hurt you guys. You're all my best friends, my only friends and I hoped I would stop feeling like this."
Jack ignored me, stood up and went to lay in his bunk. I receive looks of pity off my band mates before they all retire to their bunks.
3.27am:
Everyone is asleep, even our driver. I sit up thinking. I hurt Jack real bad. I don't want to see him like this, I can't see him like this.
I stand up and walk to my bunk, my mind is racing. I reach under my pillow and pull out a Stanley knife. I go into our bathroom, sit in the running shower and try relax.
"This is it, finally it. No more suffering" I whisper to myself.
I take the knife and cut into my arm from my wrist to the bottom of my arm. I bit my lip to try stop myself from yelling out. I drop the knife and just stare at the blood oozing out of my forearm. My head starts to feel light and I feel like puking. My vision begins to blur and time feels frozen. Everytime I move my head I feel dizzy. That bullshit you hear about your life flashing before your eyes... That isn't happening to me. Thank god. My head slowly drops and I am too weak to lift it back up. My vision fades to darkness.
