✿ᴛxᴛ ʜᴜʀᴛғɪᴄ/sɪᴄᴋғɪᴄ/ᴏɴᴇsʜᴏᴛ ʙᴏᴏᴋ✿

(🥀🌷) 🐰: in your arms

TW: Suicide (sorta), Depression
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If any of these topics make you uncomfortable, you can always read another story instead. <3

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We were driving home after a long schedule, all of us in the same car.
The members were quiet, all tired and sleepy, awaiting the comfort and warmth of their beds.
I looked outside, everything felt grey.
It clearly wasn't thought.
The street lamps lit up the streets in a yellowish light.
The many billboards and signs were lighting colorful in the big city of Seoul.
It doesn't seem as colorful and pretty though.
The colours felt muted.
Orange turned into an ugly brownish colour.
Green now looks like dried seaweed.
Why is everything so different?
Lately I've been seeing myself losing motivation.
It's a pain to even get up.
I barely have the strength to shower.
I barely have the strength to get up.
I barely have the strength to keep going.
Is this what they mean by 'being an idol is not for everyone'?
I don't know, but I want answers.

I'm just tired of this.
Every day is different, but it somehow feels so alike, so similar.
I'd wake up to loud members, force myself out of bed, keep working until morning, have some meals in between and then go to bed.
At first I liked the routine, it was great.
I was meant to work until early in the morning, but I'm a night owl anyways.
I've been doing this for 5 years, what's so different now?
People take care of me, make sure not to hurt me.
Why am I so ungrateful?
Why do I feel unhappy?
I got everything that someone would want.
Beauty, wealth, friends, family, fame, what else would you want?

I'm longing for more.
Why can't I be happy with what I have?
What is the missing piece that I'm not able to spot in this darkness?
Why can't I ever appreciate someone's sincerity and kindness?

"Soobin?", a tired voice whispers out to me.
I turn my head towards the noise, it's Beomgyu.
"Lay down a bit, take a nap.", he says with this soft voice and guides my head to his shoulder.
His voice is soft like a lullaby when he's tired, it makes you tired too.

My eyes get droopy, I can barely stay awake.
I feel bad for sleeping.
I take many naps in between our schedules, but I'm still sleepy.
I'm one of those members who sleep a lot, but it's still not enough?
Beomgyu sleeps a lot too, still he's more energetic and hyper than I am on camera.
Why can't I be like him?
He's what everyone wants.
He's popular, pretty, talented, but most of all, he's happy.
I remember back in 2021, when he was the sad one.
He had courage to tell us what's wrong and we helped him.
Why can't I do the same?
It's probably because I don't even know the cause of this.
Is it the lack of sleep I have to make up from my school days?

I close my head, I'm too tired for this.
I feel the warmth engulf me.
I don't want this, I don't wanna sleep..
.. But, it feels so good.
Maybe I'll sleep less tomorrow and work harder.
The dance teacher has been complaining lately anyways.

_ _ _ _ _ (timeskip) _ _ _ _ _

I sit in the practice room, sweat covering my whole body.
I pant heavily, tired from the dancing.
My water bottle lays next to me, I'm too tired to drink.
I can't even think clear now.
The members already left.
I said I'd work harder, didn't I?

I stand up, walk into another room.
I see the couch in the corner, lay down on it.
The soft fabric of the couch feels heavenly in comparison to the hard floor of the practice room.