London, once blue, now red

First Training

It was essential I made an excellent first impression on this team. As much as I have versed them and the coaches and team have seen me play, I must prove my worth and show Arsenal how hard I am willing to work for the club. One of the coaches talks us through a passing drill and tells us to get in groups of four. Leah pulled me over to her group with Beth and Viv. I was thankful she brought me into her group, as I didn't want to look all awkward and alone in my first training session. We pass the ball around as beads of sweat are dripping down my face. I try to slow down my movements to cool down as I need to keep this jumper on to hide the massive hickey I have. We move into some other drills, working on our agility and some more passing drills. I could feel myself getting hotter by the minute and was relieved when they gave us a water break. I headed over towards the water bottles with everyone else. I was standing in a circle with Viv, Beth and Leah.

Viv: "Isla, please take off that jumper. You must be dying."Beth: "Yeah, especially with the long sleeve underneath."Leah: "You are looking a little pale; maybe you should take it off, Isla."Isla: "Seriously, I'm fine." I say, chucking my drink bottle to the side and heading towards the centre of the field. The coaches divided us into two teams to play a match before the session ended.

 I kept pushing myself, making tackles, runs, passes and goals, of course. I had to show them my fullest potential. I also wanted a position in the starting eleven for the game this weekend. I began to feel more unwell as the game progressed, but I couldn't stop. I don't want them to think I am weak or unfit for the upcoming matches. Finally, the coach blows his whistle and ends the match, ending the training session.

I am hunched over with my hands on my knees as I feel like I could be sick any moment. I feel a hand rest on my back.Viv: "Are you okay?"Isla: "I'm fine, Viv, thanks for asking."Viv: "Are you sure you worked yourself pretty hard today."Isla: "I wanted to make a good impression." I say, trying to regain my breath.I looked up to see Leah and Beth standing near the drink bottles, watching our interaction while the rest of the team had already gone back into the changing room.Viv: "Let's go inside."

I push my body up to stand straight, but my hand goes directly to my head as I start to feel dizzy. I reach for Viv's arm to steady myself as she stands beside me.Viv: "What's wrong." She says with a concerned look as she is holding onto my arm.Suddenly, I felt my legs give out, and my eyes shut for a moment as I hit the ground, not hard, thankfully, as Viv was holding onto me. I opened my eyes and clutched my head as the world felt like it was spinning around me. I saw Leah, Beth and Viv above me until Leah leaned down next to me, running her fingers up and down my arm, trying to comfort me. Their voices were a distant murmur as they tried to offer words of comfort and support.

Leah: "Isla, we are taking this hoodie off." she says sternly Isla: "No, please." I said in a whisper, but it was too late. It was fine anyway. Beth and Viv were some of Leah's closest friends, and I think the hickey was the least of their worries as I watched their gazes reach the sleeve of my long-sleeved top.Leah: "Isla, you're bleeding. Are you okay." she says as she pulls my arm up into my eyesight so I can see.Isla: "I'm fine, just leave me alone." I pleaded as I pulled my sleeve to intertwine with my fingers so they wouldn't pull it up.But my pleas fell on deaf ears as Leah, Beth, and Viv persisted, their concern growing with each passing moment. My heart rate increased at the thought of my new teammates seeing me in such a weak moment. Leah: "Please let me look; I'm just worried about you." she says, giving me her hand to help me sit up a bit.Isla: "It's okay, Leah, it's nothing to worry about."Leah: "You're bleeding, of course. I am going to worry," she says as Beth and Viv continue to listen to the conversation with worried looks.Isla: "Fine, you can look." I say as I close my eyes and turn my head to look away in embarrassment. I felt Leah's fingers linger over my sleeve for a while until she finally pulled it up. She ran her hand over my arm, pulling me into a hug.Leah: "When did you do this? They look new."Isla: "Just before training, I'm sorry."Leah: "You were with me for the majority of the time; why didn't you say anything? I could have helped you."Isla: "Don't worry, Leah, it's fine." I say calmly, trying to get her concerned look to fade. I pull my sleeve down and reach for my jumper, but before I can even grab it, Beth snatches it away.Isla: "Beth, seriously, I need to put that on before I go back inside."Beth: "No, it's way too hot. You literally just collapsed onto the floor."I look to Leah.Isla: "Can we go home."Leah: "My house."I nod quietly as I don't want to go back and get a lecture from Millie on how I need to take care of myself or what I was thinking. I just wanted to have a shower and sit with Leah, sitting in her embrace.

Leah: "Okay, let's go inside; we can have a shower, then we can go."Isla: "Can I have one at your house?"Leah: "Okay, that's fine, come on." she says as she and Viv both grab a hand, helping me up.What have I done? Is this seriously the first impression my teammates will have of me? This sucks. I could never imagine anything worse was all I could think as Leah and Viv helped me towards the changing room, helping me to the bench.Leah: "I'm just going to shower quickly, and then we can go."I give her a quick smile so she knows it's okay and that I hear her. Suddenly, I am left alone. I can only think about what everyone will think of me and how stupid I must have looked to Viv and Beth. I must have been so deep in my thoughts that I didn't feel Katie sitting beside me until I felt her hand touch my shoulder, causing me to flinch. Katie: "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you; where's Leah? Why aren't you ready to go."I just shrug my shoulders. I am way too tired to explain the whole situation to Katie, let alone do I want her to know the entire situation.

Katie: "What happened to your arm? Why is there blood? Are you okay? Do you need the medics? Maybe we should clean it."Isla: "No it's okay."Katie: "Are you okay? What's wrong."Isla: "Nothing, it's fine; I just don't feel good; Leah is in the shower."Katie: "Do you want to have a shower? I can help you."Isla: "No, at home."Katie: "Okay," she says with worried eyes. I just feel like I'm living in the motions, like people are pulling me along, and I'm just following what they say. My mind is blank; it feels empty. I feel empty and drained.

Leah comes out of the shower wearing a fresh Arsenal tracksuit. Leah and Katie looked at each other with concern, but I knew I was okay. I guess you just get used to all these numb feelings. I haven't felt this way in a while, but ever since I met Leah, I feel like I am on edge, constantly worrying about what everyone else thinks and continually hiding who I am to fit a specific mould. I guess it's starting to weigh on me because I couldn't contain myself, and now it is affecting the people around me. People I have just met are people I have barely known, and the first impression they have of me isn't a very good one. But Leah also brings so much joy and love into my life that my conflicting feelings are causing me to doubt myself. Why can't I just be happy for once?

Leah: "Let's go home." she says as she grabs my hand, leading us through all the corridors along with Katie. My movements feel slow; I feel useless. Leah opens the back door to Katie's car. I get in and put my seatbelt on while Leah hops into the front passenger seat and Katie drives. I couldn't help but close my eyes, trying to escape the silence and transcend my mind into a better and happier place, causing me to fall asleep.

Leah's POV

Katie: "She's asleep; what happened, Leah."Leah: "I don't know. She must have been dehydrated or just exhausted. She was hunched over after training, and Viv was talking to her when she suddenly fell to the floor. Luckily, Viv was holding onto her, but it was scary."Katie: "We did tell her to take the jumper off, she must have just overheated."" Also, where's the blood on her sleeve from."Leah: "I don't know if I can tell you."Katie: "You can tell me I won't tell anyone, and I won't say anything until she tells me first."Leah: "I will see if she tells you. I don't think it's my place to say anything."Katie: "That's okay; we will just have to make sure we look after her when we are home."Leah: "Should I call and tell Millie."Katie: "I feel like that isn't our place, but maybe we could advise her to tell Millie because they do live together, but also, she is an adult and has to make that decision."Leah: "Yeah, you're right."All I can think about is Isla and the cuts up her arm. Why did she do that, and why didn't she tell me? I could have stopped her; I could have helped her. I can't believe she felt like she had to resort to hurting herself instead of asking for help. We have only been hanging out for a few weeks, but I feel such a deep connection to Isla. I feel consumed by her, my heart feels fulfilled, and my body feels warm whenever I am with her, and no other relationship I have had has ever made me feel that way. The fact she feels this way is hurting me. I love her so much and don't want her to feel alone.

The car ride was silent until we reached Katie and I's house. 

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