We Are [CoR chronicle]

Entry 3

Hey, Furore.

It's been another day. A Monday I've dreaded. I actually went home earlier today because I got rather sick in the middle of my shift. I felt so nauseous to the point I feared not making it to the bathroom to throw up... but thank goodness that didn't happen. I have an intense fear of throwing up, which causes me a lot of stress in those situations. It's okay now though. I don't feel as nauseous anymore. But now I'm stuck with a mild fever. Richard took my temperature and the signs were clear. I can't stop coughing now and it hurts to swallow. My goodness me- this isn't one of your tricks again, is it? Like that time you purposely got our body ill and made us starve in order to target Darwin? I will never forget that... I beg of you, don't do it again. You did claim you no longer had control over our physical system anymore, but I will be furious if you lied about that.

Ugh... sorry, that sounded a bit harsh and I probably assumed many things there. That isn't my intention. I just... fear for everything that happened to repeat itself. You get me? I hope you understand... My therapist says I show clear signs of post traumatic stress and fear hasn't left me. Ever.

I feel clueless, Furore. And now with you being silent for the past days... I'm not sure what to do anymore. I feel like you're angry at me. Or are you... sad? Is everything... okay actually? Do you need to talk? Or are you just taking your time to be alone right now? Which is okay of course, but please... let me know somehow. I can't help you if you don't communicate with me. I'm here, literally here always. In this body. With you. I care about you. No matter the damage- but I- don't wanna talk about that. You already gave me your deepest apologies a few times and you even did many of the things to try and fix it. Even if most of those things are unfixable... the effort was there.

Though... if I'm depressed, does that mean you are as well? We share the same brain after all. Sort of. Physically then. I do not know anything about your specific entity-anatomy, so pardon me for that. But. It could make sense, right? That you've started to feel the same things that I feel? As if we're in sync. I don't know... Just let me know if you have an answer to that. Once you... wanna talk again then.

My notes... that I leave for you when you take over. Do you even read them? I guess not, because you haven't taken over during these days. Or have you and I simply cannot remember? Which would be weird, since I usually remember if you've taken over or not. Are we developing amnesia...? That's a bold claim of mine. We probably aren't. But still something to think about. But eh- you probably haven't taken over. I know the signs aren't always clear since we don't transform immediately when you take control anymore. It used to be like that though... What a hell that was. For you as well. To be bound and trapped with a sickening condition that causes nothing but agony and destruction. Since our reconciliation, you told me you no longer were bound to it as much as before, along with you losing the ability to control our entire body with its individual organs when I'm conscious. What a freaky time that was... As if you played puppet master over our body. It makes more sense on how it works now though. If I'm there, I have control over the body, if you are there, you do. I feel like I'm trailing off now though.

Oh gosh- my stomach is starting to hurt as I write this sentence. It usually doesn't bother me that much, but it's the association with it that strikes immediate stress and fear into me. The memories... ugh, the memories.

I need to stop dooming myself with this depressive note. I need to rest now. I'm exhausted and ill... I also feel like I've only been complaining in this entry. I hope you don't mind. But I'll try to actually journal stuff properly tomorrow, if you happen to be absent again. I expect it, but I do have hope for you to return. Please... if you read this, please... Please come back.

Good night.