Why do you stay?

I'm fine, not really

{Percy's POV} 

"Percy?" Kaiden prodded my shoulder with a pencil.

"Percy! We're supposed to be studying but you keep staring at something...is it Nico?"

"Huh, what? No, no I'm not!" I spat out going red.

"Sure... that's convincing me. Anyway! Question 14..." I zoned out again as he started speaking.

If I told you all the things in my head you'd say I'm crazy.

If I told you all the times I'd wanted to give up you'd call me suicidal.

If I told you how many cuts were on my arms you'd put me in therapy.

If I told you...

Sometimes it feels that the strangers aren't those around me, they are me.

I feel like a stranger, in my own body.

Mind.

Heart.

This feeling of uncertainty and worry of letting others down.

The noise of those nearby but also in my head, it's always in my head.

Never a moment of peace.

And when there is - It's short-lived.

I don't actually want to die,

I js want relief and freedom.

From the noise.

From the questions.

From the voices.

From myself.

The moment I come back to reality I can feel panic rising in my chest, I can feel my hands start to shake, my breathing becoming shallow, and I feel one singular tear roll down my cheek having escaped from the rest of them. I don't know why I suddenly got panicked but I - I can't even think straight, my head is buzzing and telling me all these things and possibilities that I know in reality can never come true but in my head right now everything is so surreal and I feel like absolutely anything could happen and it would feel normal.

My mouth is open and gasping for air but that's the only sound, the sound of me trying to force air down my throat and into my lungs. I want to scream.

But I can't. If I do I know that everything will fall apart, I will fall apart.

More than I already am.

I hear Kaiden calling my name, trying to pull me back out.

But I'm in too deep.

People were staring and whispering. Gods, I can just imagine what they're saying, 

I need Neeks.

Kaiden's worried now, trying to figure out what's going on, he's calling my name and clicking in front of my face, when I thought I was gonna fall so deep I pass out someone must have prayed to the Gods because at that exact moment Neeks, walked in carrying my English stuff from last period but what he saw probably wasn't what he was expecting.