Raspberries & Cream for Three (Boyxboy)

Chapter 16: Identity.

I have been told that I have an incurable and untreatable cancer. I already know that I will not be here for your 10th Birthday.

I've always wanted to protect you. I wanted you to be able to forget the awful things that you witnessed as young children. I thought if we never spoke about her and those times at all, you would eventually forget them. I am not sure if you have or ever will. You both never speak of her, or of those terrible first years. I am just hoping that you have finally blocked them out. I am relieved that I have never had to sit down with you and tell you the truth. It would have hurt me to do so but, honestly, I would have told you as soon as you were old enough.

The reason why all of your blood family disassociated with you is because of the upset your mother caused. She stole from all of her siblings. She stole from me too. Stole to feed her addiction to illegal drugs. Stole because she was reliant on alcohol. It was not just money. She stole precious jewellery, and other valuable things. Sentimental things like wedding and engagement rings. Things that couldn't just be replaced. She lied profusely and accused others of doing the things that she had done. She caused so much disharmony within the family and caused almost everyone, young and old, much distress. She didn't care who she hurt, and that included you both.

I heard some of the things she said to you. She didn't show you any love. None at all. I could not believe a daughter of mine could be so unloving. So cold and heartless. So uncaring. The way she neglected and mistreated you, her own flesh and blood, was hard for me to bear.

She had married your father just one month after meeting him. We all advised against it, but she ignored us all. He was not of good character. That was plain to see. Not only was he unemployed, but as we know now, he was over here illegally. Shortly after you were born he disappeared. We heard later that he had gone back to his family home in Chiang Mai in the north of Thailand.

Your mother was addicted to heroin by then. You were almost five when she died of an overdose.

I will be very honest and say that I was glad when I could at last take you in and give you a home. You have both enriched my life in ways more than I can say. I have loved sharing this time together, and I can see from the love you give me that you have too.

Your Uncles and Aunties do not like the fact that I have taken you in. What happened was not your fault, yet they still will not acknowledge you as family. They say you have bad blood and castigate me for giving you a home.

I know that you have heard some of the arguments between us, but you both have never asked about it. You've heard the names they have called you and the bad things they have said to me. You seem to instinctively know that it is better to keep quiet. Not to ask questions. I love you even more for doing that. It meant that I didn't have to explain everything to you then when I knew you weren't ready to understand. The reason for their anger at me, and their subsequent anger at you, is that your Grandad was not your mother's father. I strayed on a holiday with girlfriends to Portugal and the result of that was her. This is the real reason why your Grandad divorced me.

When I am gone I don't expect that you will ever hear from your Uncles and Aunties again. They are, understandably, upset with your mother and upset with me but I cannot forgive them for taking it out on two innocent children like you.

To that end, in my Last Will and Testament, they have all been mentioned and provided for in some small way as a token acknowledgment of their relationship to me. The rest of whatever I have has been left in trust funds for you.

A dear friend has given me good advice regarding providing for you in the future when you will most need it. They advised, in order to maximise potential profit, the contents of these trust funds should remain untouched for at least ten years. With this in mind I have instructed my solicitors to make the smaller fund available to you both, if you should both wish, on your 18th birthday with the larger fund available to you both on your 21st birthday.

You are both intelligent boys and it is my dearest wish that you are bright enough to go to one of our great universities. Education is everything and should be encouraged, but I am aware of how financially draining it is. It is my intention that this legacy could clear any university debts that you both have accrued or, if not, set you up in homes of your own. I want it to give you a helping hand at an important time of your life.

Although you are twins you are also two individuals. There is something special between you. I see it every day and it pleases me.

Keegan. I hope that you have continued to look after Kaiden. Even at the age of nine you already know he will always need you to do this. He is the opposite to you and I can see that you understand that he doesn't function well without you. You seem to complete him. I hope that you have remembered that he makes you who you are too. You know you are dominant over him. You always have been. I hope that you haven't bullied him into submission but have listened to him. He will always be intuitive and sensitive. Sometimes your logic needs to be balanced by him. So far you have both been good and have been supportive to each other. When you eventually read this letter, I hope with all my heart, that this is still the case.

My friends in the Salvation Army have assured me that you will be taken into care and provided for until you are 18. I have prayed every night that they will find a home where you will be happy. Where you will be loved as much as I love you. You deserve it. You are good boys. I pray that they treat you well and that the bad memories of your past never return.

Enclosed is not only your birth certificates, but proof that you were christened. I have enclosed your hospital baby tags and a sheet of facts about your birth. Things that I treasured that now belong to you.

Your father had demanded that you were given Thai names on your birth certificate. You were both called by your Thai nicknames, Khaow and Khiew, as is his tradition, but it was your mother that changed your Thai nicknames to your English names once he deserted her. Those names, and your mother's maiden name of Duncan, was how you were to become known as. They are not official. Once you are 18 you can change your names by deed poll to whatever you choose.

I also enclose half of a most treasured possession of mine. In the small white envelope, that you should both now have, is half of a lock of hair taken from each of you. The other half will stay with me even in death.

Some part of you will always be close to me.

All my love
Grandma xx

I looked at Kaiden and saw the tears rolling down his face. He wrapped his arms around me and clung to me as tears filled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks.

At last we had an identity. A background history.

At long last we knew who we were and where we were from.