Conflicted

Chapter 9

Savannah did not feel she was even remotely close to marriage material. She removed her hands and he realized the walls went back up again. 

"Well, disclaimer Matthew I do not have a pretty childhood or memories to share. I hope you can handle the good, bad, and ugly about me," she confessed looking away.

"I want to know everything," he said realizing it was heavy. Savannah had only shared this with Alisha and her Aunt Joy. It was different sharing it with a potential suitor.

"Okay, here goes brace yourself.  I was the result of an affair. Good old dad did not tell Mom that he was not committed to her because he already had a wife. I grew up the first ten years of my life a bit isolated and dealing with rejection early on.  Mom ended the relationship so Dad ended the support. My Mom was never the same. She started sleeping with random men to keep shelter and food on our table. However, despite going down the wrong path she talked about prayer, faith, and God a lot. Perhaps, she was so hurt that she got lost.

Also at 10, my life changed drastically. My mom was murdered by one of these men and I had no one to take care of me. Thus, being placed in foster care ruined my life. My foster mom shoved religion down my throat, controlled the way I dressed, and my foster dad raped me repeatedly for three years.  At fourteen I ran away, and almost came close to prostitution to survive but made it past it when I showed up on my dad's doorstep asking for help. 

When I thought he had rejected me again, he showed up on the streets looking for me willing to help. I ended up moving in with my Aunt Joy who helped keep me focused on my education. Eventually graduated college, and became a paralegal, reconciled and forgave my dad before he died. I am twenty-eight.

Also, I am still working on faith and God because I felt for a very long time God had given up on me too. I have been making some very bad decisions when it comes to the opposite sex but working on me. 

Matthew took her hand and kissed it. Savannah was in awe to see tears roll down his eyes prompting her to wipe the tears from his eyes gently.

"You are going to make me cry," she said. "That was not easy to share with you but I wanted you to know the truth.

"I am so sorry you went through all of this as a child. Nothing was your fault and you did not deserve this," he said. 

Sannah nodded as she too became overcome with emotions she rarely showed. As they walked back to the car, he held her hands. "Can I hug you?" he said.

Savannah nodded and he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. Matthew cared for her because she was important to him. 

Matthew was so excited that he got Savannah to simply hang out with him. They did picnics, movies, and occasionally dinner together. He was moving at her pace and settled for a platonic relationship. They got the opportunity to pray together and read the word together. Matthew was concerned about her and knew she still had issues to deal with and be free of her past hurts. Despite everything she was going through he couldn't help but love her. He had fallen in love with her and wanted her to be free and love herself. 

"Are you coming with me to Alisha's wedding?" she asked as they sat and had dinner together. "Of course, I am looking forward to seeing you walk down the aisle as a bridesmaid," he teased. 

"The wedding is not about me?" she scolded Matthew. But you will look beautiful even more as a bride one day," he said. 

Savannah looked at him searching his eyes after that last comment. He had been such an unexpected addition to her life, she could not imagine life without him. She did not do the love thing but Matthew had touched her heart in ways she never knew was possible.

"Let's get that ice cream before I carry you home," he said escorting her outside the restaurant. 

Matthew enjoyed seeing her light up and be opened to simply enjoying every sweet moment. As they waited for their car, he saw the color on her face grow pale when a stranger stopped them in their tracks. 

"Savannah, how are you?" the strange fellow said looking at her. Savannah felt sick to her stomach to come face to face with one of her nightstands. 

He disrespectfully came near and whispered in her air propositioning her. 

"I am here with my date, you pig," she said angrily. Matthew was about to ask him to leave when Savannah grew weary of the situation.

"Get lost, she is with me," Matthew said coming in the middle intimating the man who realized Matthew was much taller and stronger than he was.

He cruelly turned back and said, "She is nothing but a slut and heartbreaker." 

Before Matthew could respond or go after him, Savannah held her hands warning him not to. It took a lot of self-control for him not to punch the guy for being rude. 

"Don't you dare listen to him. You are doing good and turning your life around. His opinion does not matter," Matthew reassured her reaching for her hand.

When she refused he felt hurt after all this time the walls went up. "I will talk to you later," she said leaving him behind. 

"Savannah," he called after her. But she refused to look back and left in a taxi. Matthew felt his heart dropped. He loved her so much but she had yet to learn to love herself.