THIRTEEN • Eren Jaeger

CHAPTER 16: Loop Nine, IV

Eren's irises were the same shade of hillside green, but his eyes were as dark as the moon even under the bandage, and it pierced you as an arrow would. Beneath the rough exterior, with a brash uniform, an amputated leg, and thick bandages messily wrapped around his head, was the boy you loved.

You scanned his face as you took the spot on the bench next to him. Only now did you ever get to have a proper look at Eren before he began to tie his hair back. Stubble dusted his chin, light facial hair growing. His hair was disgustingly greasy—everything about him was, like he'd been doused in thick oil. He was leaner, taller—he was not the boy you left broken. He was a man, one who had been through hell.

It was the oldest you'd ever seen him look. Back in the first loop, the first life, when the Rumbling settled and you lived up to your 30s, you often wondered what Eren would look like as an actual grown man—the long hair, the stubble, the tan lines of his years painting his well-toned arms. This was the closest you would ever get to that. An ache settled in your chest as you relived that old pain, as though you were that woman twenty years older and not a twenty-year-old.

Your foot tapped the ground repetitively, and you began to chew on your lower lip in discomfort. What were you supposed to say? "I'm sorry for going to Marley"? "I'm sorry for fucking you and then leaving the next month"? How were you supposed to explain things without going down the wrong path?

"[Name]." He said your name with such a softness, betrayal wrapped in silk, that your eyes darted elsewhere, unable to make contact. "Why are you here?"

"I could say the same, 'Ren," you said.

Ren. He stiffened at the nickname. You often spoke it with an endearing quality, and now it seemed to bring up old wounds.

"Are you..." He slowly got the words out. "With Marley?"

His voice was strained, like he couldn't bear the thought. You released a single mirthless chuckle, tracing circles on your pants. You knew you must look so different to him now, too. You started wearing your hair differently, and the clothes were distinct in Marley as well. When you looked in the mirror, it was easy to bear a reflection that was not the image of the person you left behind. Now, you regretted it and wished you had done something with yourself as a physical reminder of your true roots.

You were a member of the Survey Corps. You were not Zeke's scholar.

"Of course not," you said. "I'm Paradis through and through. The people in Marley aren't so bad, though."

"I thought so. Then why did you leave?"

"I had to get out of Paradis," you said. It was not a lie, it was just not the full truth. "I... had to see the other side of the sea by myself. It was a solitary journey."

Eren frowned. You had never seemed like the type to want to journey—it was always Eren and Armin who would drag you around, yearning to see the world, and you usually rolled your eyes and followed them. It must hurt him, not truly knowing you anymore.

Your eyes lowered. "I don't expect you to understand."

"You never did. You never expected me to know you."

His tone dripped with bitterness. You thought of your last real interaction, yelling at each other on a boat, which was unlike you. You envisioned yourself in Eren's point of view: you, who had been emotional, intimate. You'd been starved for his affection. Then, you wanted to pretend like it didn't happen for reasons you wouldn't say. You ignored him, and one day, you just vanished without a heads-up. If he still had feelings for you, it would be a wonder.

"That's not true, 'Ren," you said. You choked back a tear. "You know me better than anyone. Always."

"Then why...?"