Kabanata 18
Second Choice
"Thank you!"
Kasama niya akong bumati sa matandang lalake ng halos matapos na ang celebrasyon, dumagsa din ang mga tao sa pag bati. Dumating din si Dinah at nakipag beso ito kay Nolan at yumakap.
Nag hiyawan din ang mga taong nasa paligid habang ako nakayuko lang sa likod ni Nolan. Umatras ako kunti para hindi ako mapansin ng mga tao, nakikipag usap sila lahat kay Nolan at Dinah habang tuwang tuwa din ang matandang lalake.
Napunta na ako sa pinaka likod dahil natabunan na ng mga tao sina Nolan, hinayaan ko nalang ito. Bago ako nakapag pasyang umalis ay narinig ko ang usap usapan nila.
"It's been 2 years. But we chose to forgive." Sambit ni Dinah.
"Importante masaya na kayo pareho, Dinah." Sagot naman ng isang lalakeng bisita.
"Congratulations on your wedding."
"I Love You, Babe!"
"I'll excuse myself first."
Narinig ko ang boses ni Nolan kaya umalis na ako doon. Hindi ko na mapigilan ang luhang pumapatak sa akin, bigat na bigat na ang aking puso at hindi ko maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.
Lumabas ako ng hotel at sumakay ng taxi hindi ko alam kong tama ba itong nararamdaman ko para sakanya. Kahit na alam kong bawal at hindi pwede ngunit hinayaan ko ang sarili kong mahulog.
Nakita kong tumawag si Nolan ngunit pinatay ko ito. Nag padala din siya ng mensahe at tinatanong kong nasaan ako. Ilang ulit siya nag padala ng mensahe at tawag ngunit hinayaan ko lamang ito.
Nakarating ako sa boarding house ni Tasha. Dito unang lugar na naisipan kong puntahan, alam kong siya lang ang makakaintindi saakin.
"Why the fuck are you crying, Aria?" Bungad nito saakin.
Pumasok ako at humiga sa kama habang humahagulgol sa iyak. Hinimas niya ang aking likod at hinayaan akong umiyak ng umiyak.
"It's about Nolan?" Tanong nito.
Hindi ako makasagot sa bigat ng dibdib ko, parang pinupunit ito at iluluwa. Doble doble ang sakit na naramdaman ko ngayon kesa sa hiwalayan namin ni Julian at hindi ko alam kong bakit ganun.
"I told you, Aria! He is a good man, yes. But kilala ko na siya dati pa, naging gago na siya noong nag hiwalay sila ni Dinah dahil niloko siya ni Dinah. But now... dinah is back."
Malungkot na sambit nito. I find myself overwhelmed with emotion, tears flowing freely as the weight of this pain consumes me. It's as if the intensity of my feelings is somehow feeling invalid, given the fact that there is no anything in between us. Yet, the news of his engagement cuts deep, stirring up a whirlwind of conflicting emotions within me.
"Dapat hindi ako umiiyak para sakanya, Tasha. Hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko."
Umupo ako at patuloy parin sa pag iyak, niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit at sinubukan na patahanin.
"I-I thought I wouldn't let myself fall..." Sambit ko habang patuloy sa pag iyak.
"Who wouldn't fall for Nolan, Aria. He is the man that every girl would wish to have." Sambit nito.
"You believed in your mind that you wouldn't allow yourself to fall, but your heart whispers another truth." Dagdag nito.
Tumingin ako sakanya. Nag taksil ang sarili kong puso, alam kong dapat hindi ako mahulog sakanya kasi alam kong limitado lang ang oras na meron kaming dalawa. Ngunit hindi ko maintindihan kong bakit ganito nalang ang reaksyon ko ngayon sa na saksihan ko kanina.
Mag gagabi na ng kumalma ako, hindi naman ako kinulit ni Tasha na mag salita o kahit ano. Dinamayan niya lang ako hanggang sa kumalma ako. Nag order siya ng makakain dahil dito ako matutulog, hindi ko kayang umuwi ngayon sa sitwasyon ko. Mag aalas otso na ng makakain kami at bigla umalis si Tasha para sagutin ang tumatawag sakanya.
"Isaac"
Natigil ako sa pag kain at tumingin ako sa banda ni Tasha na ngayon ay nakatitig na saakin at nakikinig kay Isaac sa kabilang linya.
"Aria? Yeah, she's with me. Why?" Sambit nito.
Nakakapag taka kong bakit ako hinahanap nito ngayon.
"Nolandro is looking for her?"
Napailing lamang ako. Nakakapag taka ang pag hahanap nito kong tutuusin ay dapat nandun siya sa engagement party niya. Dapat ay hindi na siya nag aaksaya ng oras pa saakin.
"Nothing. Nothing happened, Isaac. Chill your ass, I'll tell her once she wakes up, nakatulog siya eh." Pag tatakip saakin ni Tasha.
Binaba nito ang telepono at tumingin saakin, nakataas ang kilay.
"What's your plan, Aria? Nolan is looking for you everywhere."
Yumuko ako at nag babadya nanaman na tumulo ang aking luha, kahit ako ay hindi ko alam ang dapat kong gawin. How could I face a problem that was never there. Tumulo na naman ang luha kong hindi mapigilan, dapat ay wala akong pakealam ngunit huli na ang lahat. I am falling for him.
"Hindi ko alam, Tasha. Dapat ay hindi niya na ako hanapin dahil andun naman si Dinah." Sambit ko.
Lumapit si Tasha saakin at niyakap ulit ako.
"I gave you a warning, but you chose not to listen."
Hinamas niya ang aking likod, sinusubukan na patahanin ako. Tasha consistently relies on straightforward comfort rather than gentle comfort. Despite this, she isn't heartless; she cares on her own way, hoping to enlighten us about the things we might be unaware of. She's the first to see the negativity and allows us to enjoy moments briefly, stepping in to protect us if she knew it will hurt us.
Thinking about loving someone deeply and still connected to their past feels like a maze. The challenge deepens when we recognize that the difficulty lies in someone holding onto their past, even when it no longer belongs to their present life. The strong force from what happened before us seems like an obstacle we can't overcome.
In unexpected situations, when memories from the past come back, we often find ourselves at a crossroads where the best choice is to let go of our feelings. Supporting a love still connected to a past we openly recognize can be puzzling, almost like a contradiction that makes us think deeply.
Facing the question of whether we can build a genuine future with someone still tied to an earlier time takes us on a thoughtful journey. Are we bound to solve the puzzle of the details of their history, or can love go beyond what has happened, creating a path for a joint future without the burden of the past? These thoughts highlight the challenges of loving someone whose emotions are deeply connected to the strings of their pasts.
Despite everything, I'm struggling to let go right now. I'm thinking about acting like nothing big happened, trying to keep things normal and ignoring the feeling that I might be seen as a second choice. Looking back, it's clear he didn't mean to hurt me; it was my choice to get involved with someone who might not feel the same way about me. Recognizing this difference in feelings is tough for me, as it emphasizes the gap between my vulnerability and the possibility that the love I hope for might not be returned. It's like navigating a tricky emotional situation where my feelings seem to be more than what's reciprocated.
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