My Dearest Darling

Chapter 23

She had always been relieved that her husband somehow almost always managed to behave like he was emotionally quite inept — a true donk, to use the name Sybbie had given him years ago after he had played a silly game with her and George. And Cora would have wanted him to be that emotionally inept donk at that moment. It was not like him to notice things like this, to question the things she said, and his usual way of not noticing such things would make it all so much easier to bear.

"I just know when a fight is worth fighting and when it is not," she sighed, still refusing to look up from the page she was only pretending to be interested in — she had not read a single word since he had started this conversation. And if she was completely honest, she had been zoning out even a few minutes before that.

"That is not true and you know it. Every fight worth mentioning is worth fighting. And even the doctors said that there is a chance at more time for you. Surel-"

"Robert, sometimes things are not as easy as you think they are. Life is not just black and white. I know that it seems as if I made this decision without any regard for what all of you thought. But you and our family were all I ever thought about when I decided this, I can assure you. I cannot choose treatment when the outcome is so uncertain. Going with the treatment would give you all hope, false hope in all likelihood. And I couldn't bear it if I underwent the treatment, made you all hope for a miracle — only for it not to work out in the end. I am so incredibly sorry for deciding this on my own, Robert, for not including you in that decision, but it is for the best in the end, I am sure."

"I would rather have that hope, however justified or not it might be, and know that you fought like the fierce Miss Cora Levinson I met all those years ago in that stuffy ballroom, than slowly see you slip away from us. Knowing that you fought to stay with us, no matter the predicted outcome, would help all of us. Our girls need you. They are scared, Cora. They are scared of a life without you in it. Just like I am."

Silence fell over the suite as they looked at each other. The Earl and Countess had deep sorrow in their eyes, and both were fighting hard to keep their emotions in check, to not let either of their tears cloud what they perceived to be a vital moment. This was the most honest and open they had ever talked about this topic without letting their emotions get the better of them.

After what seemed like an eternity, Cora looked away and replied in a hushed tone, barely more than a whisper: "So am I."

"What?"

"I guess that is the true reason, the answer you are looking for — I am scared. When Doctor Clarkson came and announced my test results, I did some investigating. I read as much as I could about the different treatment options available, and each one was scarier and more unpleasant than the last. I did not even understand half of what I read in the books I had Parker bring to the Abbey. The poor man had to carry quite a few of them from the village to the house and back again. But I read enough to know that I do not want any of that. Even Doctor Clarkson tried his best to make it seem less daunting than it is when he came to talk to us, leaving out certain details about the procedures, only calling them unpleasant and complicated, which they certainly are. They use all sorts of procedures to get rid of cancer, and none of them are proven to fully help with this disease. The doctors would be using something called radiation therapy directly on the diseased spot and then radically take out the tumours in surgery, wherever they have grown. I am scared of that, Robert. There is no telling that they would get everything, and the radiation therapy is so new and is known to have caused other health problems. Operations always pose certain risks, no matter if they are planned or because of an emergency. There are so many factors to be taken into consideration. I am just scared of it all."

Robert looked away, half turning away from her as his hand came up to his mouth in a thoughtful stance. He tried his best to stomach the new information, but he had been right. He had not been prepared to hear her say the truth. Knowing that she was just as scared of everything as he was did not help him in the least. In fact, it only increased the feeling of dread within him and once again he felt like a true fool. He realised that she must have been living in this constant state of worry for far longer than they were. She had thought about it long and hard, had done her research, and then made her decision. And she only wanted to protect all of them.

After what felt like an eternity to Cora, he looked at her again and said: "So you haven't given up just yet. Why would you read this much about it if you had?"

"I guess I had not back then, but I have now, as much as it pains me to admit this. I am not ready to leave you all, that much is for certain. But then again, one is never quite ready, right?"

She smiled sadly at her husband. Her book had long been forgotten, lying discarded in her lap with her hands folded on top of it.

Robert had stood up from her settee and was pacing the small sitting area of their suite, his hands sometimes flailing to the sides to steady his steps on the swaying ship. He began trying to run his hands through his formerly neatly brushed hair, ruffling the longer grey and white strands of thinning hair on top of his head — adorably so, she thought. Had he not looked so forlorn, she might have laughed at the sight. But he seemed utterly lost and desperate, and now was neither the right moment nor place to point it out.

Turning back to her, he looked her straight in the eyes and said with a slightly quivering voice: "Nobody is ever ready for that last journey, neither the one who has to embark on it nor the ones left behind. I still do not agree with your decision, but it ultimately is yours to make — and so you have, apparently. I said that I couldn't bear it, losing my mother and you, but I see now that I will have to. If you truly stand by your decision, I will be there to help you. I promise to stay by your side while you do what you have to do because I love you."

Robert turned around and looked out the round window nearest to him. He simply stood there, staring out at the restless sea beneath, lost deep in thought. Cora did not dare to interrupt him.

A while later, he pensively continued speaking: "You know, I can barely remember a time when I didn't love you. No matter how hard I try, there is simply no concrete recollection of my life without you or your love in it. I suspect that I should probably try to get used to that, the idea of a reality without you, however much it pains me. I will bear it out of love for you and our girls, though it will feel like torture. But I will bear it all, for you and everyone else."

Cora then stood up and unsteadily walked to where he was still standing in the middle of the room, swaying with the ship's relentless movement at sea. She reached him and came to a halt in front of him. Reaching for the lapels of his black suit, she smoothed her hands over the front of his jacket, all the while staring straight ahead at the tie he had loosened a few minutes earlier. She was afraid that if she looked up at his face, she would lose her fragile composure.

The whole situation awfully resembled their conversation in the gardens of Sybbie's villa in the south of France when she had finally mustered up enough courage and told him about her possible illness. Deep down, he was just as emotional now as he was back then. But this time, his demeanour was much calmer; it seems both of them were. He was not as frantic and distraught, he had had time to come to terms with it. After weeks of cancer only being a possibility, they now both had certainty, which they had not had a few months back.

After a few seconds, his hands came up to her shoulders, squeezing them slightly before he pressed her close to his chest.

She could feel his breathing getting laboured as they swayed together, and she knew that he had let his façade fall again. She felt his nose nuzzling into her hair, felt his warm breath on her scalp and his hand rubbing in a slow circle on her back. And she could feel a single tear falling onto the skin of her shoulder before he quickly wiped at his face.

Cora had been resolute in not wanting to cry and further add to the heaviness of their entire situation, but she found that she simply could not. He had kept it all in the entire time they spent in America with her family, he had helped where he could and watched her say her goodbyes, however much his heart must have been aching the whole time. He had done it all — for her. She was aware that she was the sole reason for his anguish, she knew that she alone could help lessen the burden on him, but she found she simply couldn't. Her fear was too strong.

That must be the most tragic thing about marriages like theirs, marriages that were filled with love, so much love. All of life was so much easier to go through with the person you loved the most by your side, everything seemed so much brighter and more beautiful.

But then disease and death came along. They made the entire world go dull, took all the beauty that once was everywhere out of it, and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

A life filled with so much love truly was, in the end, the most tragic thing that could happen to anyone.