My Dearest Darling

Chapter 2

The door between his dressing room and her bedroom had closed behind him. They were alone. It was just the two of them, at long last.

The clicking sound of the door snapping shut behind him was the last straw. Robert collapsed into his usual armchair in their bedroom, sinking deep into the soft cushions. Heavy sobs were shaking his entire body as he put his hands to his mouth, but she knew that he was still holding back most of what he felt. He was her Robert, after all, and he had always felt these things so very deeply. But to see him reduced to this mess, his usually tall and formerly rather stocky frame suddenly looking so slumped, worn out and small as he sat there made her heart ache even more for him than it already was.

"Robert, it is okay. My dear, it is over. You needn't be strong any more, not when it is only you and me."

How could she say that? How could she say he needn't be strong any more? In all likelihood, she would be the one to be laid to rest not too far in the future, and he would be left alone. Left without his mother and his beloved wife to guide him. He couldn't bear just thinking about it without feeling utterly helpless and distraught, another wave of sobs wrecking his entire body as he continued to bury his face in his hands.

Cora knew she would not be of any help, not with their present situation, she would only make matters worse. Which is why she decided to stay at her vanity, even when everything inside her screamed at her to go to him. All she wanted to do was to be there for him, to hold his hands, hug him tightly to her, and kiss him. All she wanted to do was to remind him that she was still there. All she wanted to do was soothe and comfort him and his aching heart, wanted to tell him that they would be alright. But that would be a lie, and he hated lying.

So instead, she waited. She waited until the heavy sobs were quieting at least slightly, speaking in a quiet, calming tone: "Darling, come to bed, it's been a very long day."

He didn't respond and she wasn't even sure that he had heard her.

But a while later, Robert had calmed himself down further, at least enough to finally face her and come to bed.

He stood up and wiped, slightly angrily, at his face to get rid of the treacherous tears staining his cheeks, took off his black dressing gown and walked over to the canopy bed. He silently climbed into their bed and slid under the blanket, readjusting the pillow beneath his head several times until he was at least a bit more comfortable.

Robert was staring at the ceiling with his red-rimmed eyes when she got in bed next to him, putting her head on his arm and snuggling as close as possible under the covers. He felt her presence and reacted like he always did, or at least often. He stretched out his arm and put it around her slender figure, pressing her closer to him.

She calmed him, his mind finally stopping its incessant racing, his heartbeat slowing down at long last, and all that just because she was lying next to him. How long would things stay like this, how long would he be able to feel her calming presence in this bed with him, could hold her in his arms?

A week had passed since he experienced the worst day of his life. He had not known it then, but there had come a day even worse than when they told him his father had died suddenly or when Cora had had her miscarriage. It had been even worse than any and all days of war he had seen in his lifetime combined, and he had spent months upon months in Africa, fighting for king and country.

The fateful day had started out as a relatively normal one in his books, as normal as could be with film people in the house. In the morning, after he had enjoyed his usual breakfast, he had checked the books and read and wrote a few letters. It was no longer his responsibility to do any of that – Mary and Tom were running the estate for him – but he always liked to stay in the loop, at least partly. Downton was still his responsibility, he was the earl. After that, he had lunch with his family and then spent his afternoon hiding from the film people wrapping up the last shots in their dining room, going on an extra long walk across the estate with Teo faithfully strolling next to him, never leaving his side.