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Even after chap 1, there's still a lot of exposition and information told to us instead of shown. Many times you blatantly tell us what characters are feeling, what their personalities are like, their likes/dislikes, their backstories, etc. That's why I so strongly recommend doing more showing over telling. It's okay to do telling, but overusing it can hurt engagement.
For example, use Ahmed. You have a new character there, so I don't see why you wouldn't use him as a way for the audience to learn about the world, that way the exposition feels natural. You can have Zola and Remi give info to Ahmed with cute scenes where they're bonding, and it'd also add sadness due to Zola's upcoming departure. With just that small tweak, now you're naturally giving us exposition, fleshing out the world, and introducing the characters in a more emotional manner.
I overall think the concept is very good, it could just be stronger if you showed us information instead of told us everything. By using less telling and exposition, I think the story would have more emotion. I hope that makes sense!
2nd Place
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The Other Land is a mysterious and fun concept that deals with the dark side of Peter Pan. For a story that has dark Peter Pan in the tags, I wasn't expecting you to take the time to really flesh out characters before getting into the meat of it. Alex becomes very fleshed out within the first two chapters, which was a pleasant surprise. The tension between her and Aunt Marietta was very engaging and I really liked their first scene together.
I really like this idea of taking Peter Pan and exploring the darker sides of that story, yet in an original way. I think the plot is solid so far and I'm excited to see more! I really hope you continue this. In general, I'm excited to stalk (not in a creepy way I swear-) your account since you write Star Wars fanfics and I adore Star Wars. You're a creative writer with interesting ideas, and I hope I get to read more of your work soon.
I have two critiques for the presentation.
The flashback in chapter 1 was a little hard to follow. It felt like it kind of came out of nowhere, and it was confusing where it started and ended. One could assume it ends when it returns to regular font, not italics, but a label or a transition sentence to show we're coming out of the flashback could be beneficial. The flashback was only two short paragraphs, so that's another reason I felt it was unnecessary. That was something I felt could have been in standard description instead of using a whole flashback and pulling us out of the timeline/moment.
I would suggest using less incomplete and unnecessarily cut sentences. As a style choice, I'm not a huge fan of it. Like, "A petite redheaded woman attentively trailed after with a clipboard. Clad in a crisp blazer and pencil skirt" (chap 2). I didn't see the purpose of splitting those two sentences instead of combining them with a comma, making it a cut up sentence. Incomplete and cut up sentences are fine to use, though for clarity, I would recommend using them very carefully instead of in moments where it feels unnecessary.
