Drown In Your Love

11: It hurts

I was left in the dark, I didn't know anything.

MINA SOLACE

Everything feels too good to be true. Is she being nice because that's her nature or is she being nice because she wants something?

Selena pulls out of the driveway and onto the road waving goodbye as she speeds off. I hold my books to my chest weary of her motives.

I can never trust people so easily but I like her. And that scares me.

I can't quite put anything on her or hold it against her. The heat from inside warms me up as soon as I enter. The house is airy, quiet, and dark—a huge contrast to the warmth the house provides.

Yelena must've left for her shoot, my father was most likely staying overnight at the office. And Kate... I have no idea where she is, she normally never stays at work late or goes anywhere.

Placing my books on the counter I open the fridge and look for nothing. I have no urge to eat yet I open the fridge. I shut the fridge and leaned against the island counter staring into the large empty kitchen.

Being alone is a blessing in disguise. Being alone is what I love and hate. Being alone is better than being lonely. I mindlessly chew on the tip of my nails as I stand in the kitchen in the dark. I didn't bother turning on any lights when I walked in.

Picking up my books I make my way to my room. When no one is home there isn't anything to think about or fight with. And I'm glad but some days I wished we would all get along and not be like this.

But do I really want us to get along? Can I look past all the things they've put me through? No.

Living like this: staying in, not going out, not meeting friends, all of that has cost me many friendships. But all of them knew I was like this they knew that I was a homebody. Yet, they left anyway.

Too high maintenance needed attention, needed to meet three times a week. I don't have time for that, I don't need to see you every week.

Say what you want to say but personally, I can't handle people like that. Yes effort is needed and I often don't put in effort but at least I'm aware.

There was a time when a friend confronted me and called me petty for things that didn't make any sense, whatever made her sleep at night. She said I made her Uber to my house, made her sleep on the floor (when I offered a futon for her to sleep on, 'cause she knew my sleeping issues, she still decided to call me petty), called me petty for using her own words to describe something (I was trying to tell her not to do this again).

For the bed situation, Aria said "You made me sleep on the floor, like I'm your guest." I offered for her to sleep on my bed but got scared because of my insomnia. So I offered another solution and she said no. The floor it is.

I remember telling her that she never told me any of this. How she felt and all. But you want to know what she said?

"I knew how you felt and I didn't want to make you uncomfortable." So you wanted to build resentment toward me for this? Aria said she always put me first and that I never did. Sure, I never showed that I put her first but there were situations where I thought of her first. I always thought of her first.

Our priorities and the way we showed we cared were far from the same.

We simply outgrew each other. As much as I hate to say it, we did. And I wished the circumstances for us outgrowing each other were different. The way it went down wasn't how I wanted it to go.

Throughout the whole "confrontation" she never told me any of this during the time we hung out. So while I was high as a kite and happy to be in her presence, she was building feelings against me, never telling me until she did.