Diary of the Quiet One

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Thursday, June 25, 2015

Dear Copeland,
I forgot to tell you....I might have a tumor. It's depressing news but true, I have also been having headaches and migraines that last for days. I ended up making my brain worse when I got a concussion from playing football, I blacked out. I have been to the doctor and he said I must work on my posture as well because it is terrible. I have been slapped on my back many times ever since he told my mother that, and every time I get slapped I painfully go into the correct posture.
I have been having nightmares lately on losing the people I love. I don't really know what to make of it but I hope it is just a silly dream and that it doesn't become a reality. Lately I have been seeing how emotional boys can be, more than girls. They cry and kiss up to pay their respects to the mess they have made to make us girls feel worthless. I am sick and tired of seeing boys apologize to me for their rude actions even when they might not even mean it. I mean, I hope I'm not the only one that feels this way?
Michael has been such a sweetheart with me, he finally told me that he loves me! My heart melted when I heard those three words come out of his mouth. I wish I was with him right now so that we could cuddle together and be alone together. I love him so much that I can't even put it to words on how much I love him! So this is what it feels like to having a caring boyfriend. He is the light to the darkness I have been in. He shows me the true path of a perfect life by giving me the love I needed this entire time. Who would devote their life to you?
Sincerely, Alanis.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Dear Copeland,
I'm back after a sleepover from my friend's house. I fought with my parents in the car and got a headache from stress. They obviously don't understand anymore and I break down trying to find out what's wrong with me! Every time I try to ask them for something they completely embarrass me, especially when we were home. I am always put on the spot for something but today was completely worse. I don't want to go into detail about the fight but when I finally arrived in my room, I bursted into tears out of nowhere!
Do you know how hard it is to be blamed on for every single thing, in general? I'm done with trying to work things out with my parents. They will never understand me, I going to be the new generation that won't make mistakes like them! My generation will make this world a better place and do things differently, we will do things in a different way at adults nowadays just don't understand. My kids will never have to go through the long line of suffering that I had to go through for 13 years of my life now. My parents are going to have to understand me the hard way, and for now on I won't care. I won't cry in their faces because they will be forced to feel what I have been feelings. I will ignore them and smile at their rude remarks towards myself and they will feel smaller than me because I know how they work now. But they don't know how I work.

Now that that's out of the way, I wanted to let you know on things about fears or phobias. I am not as brave, beautiful, innocent, happy, or special as people think I am. I'm afraid of not being enough as people want me to be, I'm afraid of not being perfect as you may put it and that is the fear of atelophobia. I'm also extremely, deeply, insanely afraid of the dark....I can't be in the dark alone, I'd basically need someone to protect me and that's another phobia called Achluophobia, the fear of the dark.
Pocrescophobia...the fear people can see I have whenever I communicate with them..is the fear of gaining weight. I have a complete obsession with weight loss, avoidance of scales, guilty whenever I eat something, and not feeling hungry as often as my friends or family because I just...simply don't want to eat. Low self-esteem is what caused this disorder and in today's world, beauty is mostly said by how thin someone is. And I really want to be beautiful! That's all I ask for and all I ever want! I'm scared of gaining weight and then being categorized as "ugly." People have told me positive things and think I am beautiful but every time I look in the mirror, I see a monster. An ugly monster who nobody wants to love.
I don't know how Michael loves me, I just want him to be happy and smile. Sometimes I feel as if I'm not making him happy enough...because I'm not as beautiful as some model. Do you think he deserves better than me? I just love him so much and I can't bare to displease him. I just don't want to make him mad or change him to something he's not.
Speaking of Michael...I'd like to dedicate the rest of my diary entry to him. Michael I know you won't read this but I love you with all my heart. I can't necessarily put it into words but I've been in darkness for so long and you're my light. You light the path that I was supposed to take the entire time and I'm fully grateful for that. You have been the highlight of my life and I hope to be with you for as long as we can. I no longer think about "me" but I think about "us." And how we can love and smile together as if nothing could tear us apart. You make me smile when I'm sad, laugh when I'm crying, and love when I hate. There is no one else I would be happier with except for you. Thank you Michael...for choosing me for me. No matter how bad I think I'm ugly even though you think I'm beautiful...or fat when you think I'm skinny...stupid when you think I'm smart... And unimportant when you think I am the most special girl in the world. I will always be there for you and I want you to know that.
Don't be afraid to tell me how you're feeling because I promise to tell you everything that might be bothering me. And I know you want to be the best boyfriend you can be but..don't hurt yourself. It's amusing. You are already making me the happiest girl in the world so think you haven't completed it yet. We will always have our ups and downs but in the end, all that matters is us and how we can face anything together. I love you, Michael.
Yours truly, Alanis.