Mistake

Chapter 52

Willow pov...

It has been 2 days since everything blew up. Things had calmed down a bit. Lisa had gone home in the evening, but Chris was still here. He was sleeping in the guestroom as i did not want him in my bed or better said it was not a good idea... If i would let my heart speak i would be wrapped around him and sleeping soundly. He respected that although i knew he did not like it... He looked so hurt. I was keeping my distance... But i could not get myself to send him away... I know i should... He can go home now. Hannah is no longer living in his house... But he was not giving me any indication that he had plans to go... To be fair i had not given him any idea that i wanted him to leave... 

I dont think i really wanted him to leave... It is just so confusing. I missed him in my bed. I missed using him as my pillow. I miss kissing him... I am torturing myself by letting him stay here but i dont have the heart to send him away... I keep telling myself it is because of the little girl in my belly... That i can't take away the experience of this pregnancy even more than i already had... The idea he is close is comforting. God i am an emotional mess... In my head i am going back and forth between kicking him out and pulling him in and just forgetting what happened... That last thought starts getting stronger but i just dont know...

For the most part we kept things civil and light no more heavy talks as i was just too exhausted for that... I am sitting on the couch with Waldo cuddled up reading a book... Chris is in the kitchen on the phone. I am too engulfed in my book to really listen to the conversation. 

"Willow?" I hear and look up. Chris is standing in the doorway looking a little unsure... "Yeah?" I answer and sigh. Everything feels just a little awkward. "Can we talk about something?" He asks and i nod and put my book away... "Yeah... What is it?" I say and he walks over and sits down beside me...

"So... Scott knows..." He says and i look at him with big eyes as i did not know this... Due to everything we had not really discussed how and when we would tell people. "He walked in on a conversation between me and ma... Well not really a conversation but more ma scolding me." He says and i blush because i know that Lisa had not been kind to him... Lisa had assured me i had done the right thing and she even though she hoped i could forgive Chris and move forward with him she understood that right now i did not know what i wanted... She understood but i got the idea she was fully expecting Chris and i to get past it... While i did not know if we could... If i could...

It was not that Chris was not trying. He was amazing giving me space and time. Being respectful of my boundaries without complaining. I know he would do anything for me and that is what made it so difficult. Still, i could not bring myself to send him away... It was weird and confusing. 

"Okay..." I say a little hesitant and Chris takes a deep breath... "He wants to come by... He wants answers..." Chris says looking worried. I sigh... "I told him i would discuss it with you first... That it was up to you. He wants to come over... But it is up to you... I understand if you dont want the stress of Scott coming over... The decision is yours..." Chris says and i sigh... "I dont really feel like being scolded..." I mumble and Chris sighs... "I dont think he will scold you... Me... Yes... You no..." Chris says and i feel the tears come... "Is he mad?" I whisper fighting my tears. The idea of being yelled at by Scott makes me emotional. 

"I think he is not mad... But more confused and maybe a bit frustrated." Chris says and i wipe away my tears... He sighs and puts an arm around me pulling me in, comforting me. I let him and lean into him. The first physical contact since the whole proposal debacle. "I think that he feels a bit hurt for not being in on the secret. You know how Scott is... I think he is a bit frustrated as he had been talking about being an honorary uncle, not knowing he is the real uncle..." Chris says and i let out a sigh... 

"Are we crappy people?" I ask him as i feel guilty. "No... We are not... Scott just wants answers. He will understand..." Chris says and i sigh... "Fine... He can come over..." I say letting out a deep breath and i push Chris back in the couch and cuddle into him. I feel needy and just need some cuddle time. I can feel Chris is smiling and he gently and a little hesitantly kisses the top of my head... 

"Can i tell him he can come over..." Chris whispers a little unsure and i sigh... "Yeah... But after a nap..." I say and push him down on the couch. It takes him a little by surprise, but he lets me as i wrap myself around him using him as my pillow... After a few days of no physical contact i just needed this or maybe i was sick and tired of fighting the urge. It surprises me how much i needed this, feeling my whole body and mind relax in his arms. I have my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat.  Still after everything he feels comfortable and i let out a sigh... The last 2 days i have been fighting my urges and thinking a lot...

"Did you mean it when you said you would never leave again...?" I softly whisper and he kisses the top of my head... "I swear..." He says and i cry a little... "It is not that i dont want to marry you... I just... I just... It is too soon... We haven't even..." I start to say, and he puts his finger under my chin making me look up at him... "Shhhh i know... It is too soon... First, we will focus on welcoming our little girl into the world... Then when we have settled in a little i will take you out on a date... We will do it right... I will do it right." He says and softly pecks my lips...

I dont react and just cuddle into him and close my eyes. I dont know what to say and i just want to take a nap... I take his hand and put it on my belly... "Please rub..." I whisper and i hum as he does...