love you later | yeonbin

030

He sleeps little that night.

Surprisingly, he has never really missed his phone so far during his stay. There is something comforting about not being chained to social media, to not aimlessly scroll for hours, and he can't even remember the last time he actually charged his phone. But as he's tossing and turning on his pillows, he wishes there was a way to contact Taehyun, Beomgyu, his mom, his grandmother, anyone without having to sit in the alcove in the middle of the hallway. Even if he tried to be quiet, there is no way Yeonjun wouldn't hear him, and Soobin isn't ready to tell him about how badly he has hurt him.

Soobin has never been the best at bringing up issues, never really knew how to advocate for himself and his feelings. Maybe that's why so many relationships ended with him feeling like a mess while his ex-partners walked away from him completely unscathed. It is a weird paradox - knowing that he has to say something to solve problems and that's the only guarantee any kind of relationship can work, and not wanting to be an inconvenience by talking about what's bothering him out of fear that people will suddenly find him too complicated to deal with.

In any case, he's not even sure what he is supposed to say. Hey, it really hurt me that you said our relationship is undefined after we've never actually discussed anything? It feels silly, childish, and so he decides to keep going as usual, at least for the time being. At least until they are alone and Wooyoung and San don't have to deal with the outfall of Soobin's messy feelings being brought to light.

When he finally drags himself out of bed and down the stairs, everyone else is already halfway through their breakfast. He ignores the pang in his chest when Yeonjun's head snaps up, a bright smile finding its way across the room to him.

"Hey, I was wondering where you're at. Everything okay?"

"Yeah."

"Sleep well?"

"Sure."

Yeonjun's smile dims and Soobin feels guilt creeping up on him. He's never this short with him, this cold, but he doesn't know how else to be when Yeonjun's words from the night before still echo through his head. He's afraid of the words that will force their way out of his mouth, is afraid he's gonna scatter pieces of his heart everywhere if he says too much, so he keeps it short instead.

"Alright," Yeonjun says hesitantly. "Here, I made you tea already."

He snaps his fingers until the cup is steaming again, and although Soobin loves to watch Yeonjun using his magic, this time it does very little for him.

"Thank you," Soobin says as he plops down onto his chair. It's a little funny how this has become his designated seat, Yeonjun right next to him. As if on instinct, Yeonjun reaches out to rest his hand on his thigh, but he drops it as soon as he feels Soobin's muscle stiffening underneath his fingers.

"You okay?"

"Sure, why are you asking?"

"I... don't know?"

"Well, I'm fine," Soobin says firmly, and he feels a little ridiculous because even though he hasn't known them for very long, Wooyoung and San's questioning gazes tell him he's not very convincing, that even they are seeing right through him. For good measure, he adds, "I have a bit of a headache, actually."

At least he's not lying this time, he tells himself. Sleepless nights tend to make his head feel heavy, foggy, and too full to the point of bursting. He hates the pressure behind his skull, can feel the strain in his eyes, too.

"Oh," Yeonjun says. Soobin doesn't miss the sigh of relief. "I can make you something if you want me to?"

"It's fine, honestly. Nothing too bad, probably just need sleep that helps any," he says.