finding happiness

hilariously unfunny

"so, how was today?" sapnap asks, leaning his head against the back of the couch to look over at the brunette, and george already knows this is him trying to start something deep. he withholds the urge to sigh.

"well you would know, you've been with me all day," george points out with a smile, trying to keep the conversation light and playful. over the last few days, the happiest he has been is when they're teasing one another. it feels so real and genuine for them to be making jokes like they do on call, except now with the added ability to poke and prod one another just to annoy them further.

sapnap, ignoring george's answer, goes on to ask, "have you been feeling better?"

george thinks that much should be obvious, considering how smiley he has been and the fact that he quite literally labelled himself as depressed before. but, then again, has he been feeling better? the obvious answer feels like a yes but, for some reason, that doesn't feel right.

being with sapnap is good, and there are moments of joy that he didn't have before, but george isn't happy. he doesn't feel the bodied goodness that everyone else seems to experience day in, day out. honestly, the brunette feels a bit like a zombie. like he is dead on the inside. like every good emotion is just a weird spike in chemicals that dies just as soon.

"course," he answers anyway, because it would be heartless to even imply that he is still sad, especially after how far out of his way sapnap has gone to help.

the ravenette has got a blanket over his legs, one that george washed when he was preparing for his friend's arrival, and a plastic tube of jaffa cakes in his lap. there are two glasses of milk on the coffee table before them but both are on sapnap's side. george decided he didn't want his and the other boy easily accepted it.

it feels so right, so natural. them being together like this feels like how george should be. every day should be like this. yet he still hurts. he still needs more, but why? what more could he need?

sure, maybe having dream here would balance them better. they're a trio, after all, but george isn't sure that even that would make him happy.

"you should've brought your mum with you though," george says, smirking to himself, "she definitely would've made me happy." it's a shitty joke, he knows, it isn't even funny, but anything is better than sapnap's probing attempts at wringing feelings out of a brunette that can't understand what is going on in his heart.

how can he be expected to explain his emotions to sapnap when he doesn't get them himself?

how could he possibly look his best friend in the eye and tell him that he still feels just as empty, just as depressed, even after he flew across an ocean just to keep him company?

"you're an idiot," sapnap mumbles in response, throwing a jaffa cake at george. the brunette picks it up from where it landed in his lap and throws it back at his friend, who deflects it away with his forearm.

george watches it bounce off of the coffee table and onto the floor. he makes a mental note to pick it up before they go to bed, because only a depressed person would be happy to leave food lying on the floor until some other day when he has the energy to pick it up.

and george isn't depressed. at least, he can't be while sapnap is here.

"if anything i should be meeting your mom, since i'm in england," sapnap says with a shrug. he words it playfully, but george can see right through the joke.

maybe in another life he would've thought it was genuinely a joke but, after having to refuse to give dream his mum's number, he isn't willing to risk it. the blond had asked 'in case of emergencies' but george knows that he only wants it to keep tabs on the brunette after sapnap leaves.

george can't imagine anything worse than his mother finding out he recently self-proclaimed as depressed. he can't imagine how protective she would get, doting over him like a fine china doll or trying to nurture him back to health like he's a sick lamb.

he'd rather continue living in the darkness of his flat, hungry and dirty and sad, than go through the pressure of a protective mum.

"she wouldn't want to meet you 'cause you stink," george jokes back anyway, because he'd rather save them both the conversation and pretend he doesn't hear the silent hope in sapnap's tone.

"i smell so good, my balls smell like roses," sapnap huffs back in response, waving a hand at george.

the brunette doesn't know when sapnap entered his ball-joke era again. maybe he never left it. sapnap's jokes are one of the things that george loves and hates about their friendship.

he loves them because it's a constant reminder of why george loves him so much, and how much of an idiot he is. he hates them because, for some reason, george always seems to adapt his own jokes to go along with the ravenette's. he supposes it goes two ways but, whenever sapnap enters a phase of reusing a joke, george seems to follow him into it, no matter how stupid he finds it.

george isn't even going to pretend that he won't be cracking ball jokes within the next few days, he just hopes they'll pass that arc soon and focus on something else equally immature and unfunny.

"if they smell so good why don't you bring them over here and let me taste them," george jokes along. he can hear sapnap in himself, and he knows that the joke is one that the ravenette is more used to making, but george often branches out when he's not on stream. he saves the on-camera sus moments to his friends.

"nah, you're not worth my balls," sapnap tells him, pushing another whole jaffa cake into his mouth. still chewing, he continues, "dream could totally sniff my balls."

george grimaces at the picture his mind creates. joke or not, imagining his friends in such a way makes him feel all icky on the inside.

he's not homophobic, but thinking of sapnap and dream together feels weird. thinking of his friends with anyone feels weird, though maybe that's just because his friends are such loners that the thought of them having romantic relationships feels foreign.

the only people they talk to are each other, really. he can sort of imagine karl in a relationship, but that's probably just because the brunette is so outgoing.

"you should give him that offer," george suggests, his brain processing the music playing as one song tapers out and another starts playing. it's some country playlist sapnap insisted on. george is putting up with it because he loves the ravenette, even if he's dumb. "maybe he'll take you up on it."

sapnap hums, "maybe."

a second of silence passes over the boys and, just like that, the easy emotionlessness he had been feelings seems to fade, and his chest feels heavy as he looks off to the side. he wonders how long it will be before they decide to go to bed. he wonders if he will feel happy before then, or if this sadness will carry him through until the morning.

[:

love you

-kit