BECAUSE WE WERE YOUNG | NIKI

7 - Like A Butterfly

"Happiness is based on a just discrimination of what is necessary, what is neither necessary nor destructive, and is destructive," reads aloud Jake as he places the book to the side. He does not even check the page to recall the last part as by now he memorized it quite well.

"You know, I always believed those words were written by people who don't even know what happiness is," I hear Sunghoon say and his words make me look up from the flower in my hands, the one Niki had picked for me from the garden. "I mean happiness is elusive, and it means different things to different people."

Niki, sitting next to me, nudges my arm and I turn to look at him. "What are they talking about?" I smile a little when he tilts his head, the curiosity evident in his eyes. I like how he's starting to be comfortable around us.

"Happiness." I sign, wondering what happiness means for Niki. I wonder if he has experienced it in his own way. But when a sad, fleeting expression crosses his face, I realize that perhaps happiness is not a familiar territory for him.

"I don't know the word." The way Jake shrugs and smiles as if he didn't just say the most heartbreaking thing ever makes my stomach drop. Not knowing happiness is not just a matter of vocabulary; it's an absence of a universal human experience. He often tries to act nonchalant, but there's a depth to him that I'm starting to understand. And Gosh, how much I hope what I'm understanding is wrong. "I just don't get it. It's like... I've read about it, heard people talk about it, but it feels like an alien concept to me. I feel good most of the time, but happy? That's something I can't grasp. What about you, Y/N?"

"Me?" I point to myself, caught up with my thoughts. It's not just Niki who might be unfamiliar with happiness—it's Jake as well. And I think it's me too, in a way. "I don't know. It's hard to be happy when you can't even breathe like normal people, but I have my father and he's a very nice person. I'm also here, in Hope Haven, and with you guys. Right now, I'm happy." I guess.

Jake studies me for a moment, his gaze searching for something in my words. I wonder if I said something that struck a chord with him, if my words somehow did something they weren't supposed to do. "Lucky you." He smiles, and for a moment, one might think it's a genuine smile because that's how he usually is. But I know that smile was anything but genuine. "You're a good person too, Y/N. And your cupcakes are really good. Thank you." I somehow can't tear my eyes off him as he takes a bite of another cupcake. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it. Perhaps I'm not that good at reading people, after all.

"And you, Jay?" The sudden mention of his name makes us all turn to him while he's measuring his blood sugar. Jay has diabetes, something that he's dealt with for as long as he can remember, he said. He glances up, a confused expression crossing his face as he realizes he's been pulled into the conversation. "What's happiness for you?"

"Isn't it the same for everyone?" He says softly and I notice that he's always calm. He's always gentle in his demeanor as if he's carrying a quiet peace within himself. Or perhaps he just mastered the art of hiding his struggles behind a serene facade. I've also noticed the way he doesn't look us in the eyes, and it's enough to tell me that there's more beneath the surface of his calm exterior. But, for now, he continues, frowning a little as he thinks about the whole concept. "It's a moment. It's not something constant, at least not for me."

"A fleeting butterfly." Niki signs and gives me the saddest smile I've ever seen in my life when the other three are carried away by the conversation. "It's there and it's gone." I stare at his fingers while he speaks and when I look up at his eyes, I see a depth of emotion that words alone can never convey. And it's beautiful, the way he expresses himself without uttering a single word.

"Butterflies are beautiful," I sign and nod slightly. "Even if they only stay for a short while." Niki's eyes meet mine, and for a moment, it feels like the world around us is fading away. We're almost in our own little universe, a place where words are unnecessary, and emotions are understood without explanation. And I like this place. I like the way the air feels here, the way time seems to slow down and allow us to linger in the beautiful present. I wish we could just stay here. I wish we could freeze this moment, the most beautiful moment in life.

The four of us are starting to learn more about each other, and most of what I'm learning feels surreal. It was quite hard to believe that Jay studied literature since he often prefers one-line replies. But when I noticed how he carries a small notebook that Jake told me was filled with nameless letters and poems, I realized that he's just a boy whose heart is probably as complicated as the poems he writes. A wish just added to my long list of wishes. I'd like to read one of his poems one day. His family is rich, the two others said, and he lives in a mansion, but he rarely talks about it.

Jake, on the other hand, works at a local bookstore. That explains why he has that comforting scent of aged paper and ink clinging to him. Unlike Jay, his family is not so well-off and his mother works at a local diner to make ends meet. Sunghoon said Jake never mentioned anything about his father and perhaps it's a chapter of his life he prefers to keep private. I wonder if that chapter is painful to him.

"I do ice skating," Sunghoon shrugs as if what he does is not the most beautiful thing in the world. "I'm not as good as you'd think. I haven't been doing it for long." I want to know why. I would have asked right away if not for the bittersweet smile that crosses his face. He's nostalgic for something, I know it, but the memories he guards are not so easily shared. I can see it in the way he sometimes stares into the distance, lost in thoughts that take him far away from the present. And when he talks about ice skating, there's a twinkle in his eyes that reveals a passion deeper than the surface of the rink.

I know about Niki's life. Well, I think I know enough as someone who only met him a few days ago. But I'd like to know more, and I'd like to be more than just a friend to him. Maybe not a girlfriend, no, but someone special nonetheless. Someone who understands him. I'd like to be that.

The conversation about happiness replays in my mind and it's kind of haunting. We're like puzzle pieces trying to fit into a picture we can't quite see yet, and isn't it strange how life is a constant pursuit of that elusive image, hoping that the pieces we hold can create something beautiful? These three guys seem like a missing piece that could complete my puzzle, and though I know puzzles are bound to be destroyed, I can't help but hope this one lasts a little longer.