Primrose | REVIEW SHOP [ OPEN ]

★ { June } SELENOPHILE

❥ Grammar and Vocabulary: I have noticed several mistakes in this section, so first let's tackle some minor issues, which in reality cannot be counted as one, but just for now I will start with them. When writing down a numerical quantity, instead of using the number symbols I recommend that you use the word format to express it to not to break the flow of reading.

Original: "It's been more than 2 hours..." [Chapter Two]

Edited: "It's been more than two hours..."

Next, try implementing the thumb rule by breaking down large paragraphs into smaller ones to increase coherency, also do the same with your sentences, as I have mentioned before, some of them are very long.

Dialogues should be written in separate paragraphs and not in between paragraphs to make it easier for the readers to identify the speaker and to make it more clear. Note that each dialogue should be a completely different paragraph unless it is the same character who is speaking.For example,"Selene!! Don't sleep, Selene.....open your eyes" "Selene! Oh my god...what did you do?....hello! Ambulance, there's an emergency...... The outer world started to cut off, my body felt like feather I was ready to leave everything behind.... everything went black.....

This is an excerpt I took from the first chapter, here not only the dialogues but several other changes could be made to improve it. So I will use it to point out several of your recurring mistakes.

First of all, here the dialogue of many characters is mixed with the inner thoughts of the main character. This causes a lot of confusion, so to fix it let's break it all down into separate lines as I have mentioned before:

"Selene!! Don't sleep, Selene.....open your eyes"

"Selene! Oh my god...what did you do?....hello! Ambulance, there's an emergency......

The outer world started to cut off, my body felt like feather I was ready to leave everything behind.... everything went black.....

Now, make the dialogues and inner thoughts seem more different. Since the story is in first-person narrative, it is written from the main character's point of view, so make sure to channel all inner thoughts and the story parts in normal font.

"Selene!! Don't sleep, Selene.....open your eyes"

"Selene! Oh my god...what did you do?....hello! Ambulance, there's an emergency......

The outer world started to cut off, my body felt like feather I was ready to leave everything behind.... everything went black.....

There are so many periods here that it makes the sentences look a bit off. So if you wish to use more than one period then use exactly three and if you wish to stop the sentence use one.

"Selene!! Don't sleep, Selene... open your eyes"

"Selene! Oh my god... what did you do?... Hello! Ambulance, there's an emergency.

The outer world started to cut off, and my body felt like feather I was ready to leave everything behind. Everything went black.

I have also broken down the sentences into two as the story is not like a dialogue so there would not be any trailing off unless it is the last sentence where there is more to say than what is written, then you can use three periods. Also, you forgot to add double quotes towards the end of one dialogue. A comma needs to be used joined with the word before it and should leave a space before the next word comes in.

Edited: "Selene!! Don't sleep, Selene. Open your eyes."

"Selene! Oh my god, what did you do? ... Hello! Ambulance, there's an emergency.

The outer world started to cut off, and my body felt like a feather. I was ready to leave everything behind. Everything went black.

Here, I made some more changes. I have punctuated the dialogues, which needs to be done before adding the double quotes. Added an article after 'like.' Capitalized the 'h' in Hello and so on. Kindly go through it.

Original: Next when I opened my eyes, I was surrounded by the white colored walls with hints of green everywhere, machines I cannot even count.

Edited: Next, when I opened my eyes, I was surrounded by white walls with hints of green everywhere—machines I cannot even count.

Corrections: I have added some punctuation and slightly modified the sentence.

Original: "What were you thinking,Selene. When we had enough of your childish behavior you opted for this kind of act to threaten us."

Edited: "What were you thinking, Selene? When we had enough of your childish behavior, you opted for this kind of act to threaten us."

Corrections: I have added and corrected some punctuation and slightly modified the sentence.

Also, remember to capitalize 'i' when you use it alone and keep in mind such minute errors which could easily be corrected by proofreading or by using Grammarly or Quilbot online.

❥ Reader's Enjoyment: As a reader, I find the story very enjoyable and has proper plot pacing that is neither too fast nor too slow. There is anticipation and a proper plot with a compelling promise of a great story to look forward to as a reader. So great job!

❥ Conclusion: The story is great and has a lot of potential. I enjoyed it. So, for some extra suggestions, the author needs to work on the grammar and punctuation, either hire an editor or use online editing sites I have already recommended. I like the idea and concept you have in mind behind each sentence but some of them fail to give out the desired effect due to weird sentence structuring and grammatical errors. Overall, I wish you luck and hope that my review has helped you better your story. Remember, I may have given you a lot of suggestions, but those are from my point of view, and as you may be aware, everyone has a different point of view, so please don't take any of these to heart. If I have hurt you with my words, then I apologize. I hope you have a great day.Best Wishes