THIRTEEN • Eren Jaeger

CHAPTER 24: Interlude, Rewind

21

"Hey, Eren," you say to the gravestone under the tree. "It's been a year."

The wound is fresh. When you sleep at night, you're overwhelmed by freakish nightmares that aren't even far-fetched from the horrors you faced in the past decade. You still remember it all vividly, like vibrant paint splashed on an empty white canvas. It's red, the color of blood.

Without him, you feel lost. Eren had always been a constant in your life, the first best friend you'd ever made and the one who saw you through everything, and for you to live in a world where he was no longer there was difficult. Sometimes you sleep and dream of his soft eyes boring into yours. Sometimes you have nightmares and beg him to end the Rumbling so you don't have to kill him.

It's hard to explain to others why you still care for him so much, even after everything. To them, they only see a heartless killer. A powerful monster who wouldn't hesitate to slaughter billions if it meant his side could win. He was Eren Jaeger, the face of the Rumbling. That was all they saw and you couldn't blame them for that.

But you only saw the boy who was your best friend. Eren.

They will never know. The pinky promises you made as children. The way he called for time-out whenever you cornered him in tag, because you were older and a bit taller and he used to be such a bratty sore loser. Your shared grief for your mothers after Shiganshina. His warm embrace, reserved only for those he loved. His sharp glare as a teenage cadet, which would melt every time you tutted in disappointment of his behavior.

The boy who sneezed in the snow. Who gazed at the glittering ocean, eyes heavy with determination. They'd never know what it felt like to run nimble fingers through his hair, teasing him for letting it grow out. Are you trying to look like your old man? And he'd give you a deep-set look of disgust and say no. He resented his father. Well, it's a good look on you anyway. Then, for some reason, he'd look away and hide his blush. You did a good job at pretending not to notice, then.

Maybe you were scared. Scared of confronting him and seeing further than your best friend, see the parts of him that he kept hidden from you, boiling emotions that were dying to burst like a trembling geyser. Scared, because a part of you knew that to acknowledge what you had with Eren was to follow him into his pit of violence.

You knew something was going to happen. And when Eren turned into that thing people scorned him as, that devil whom everyone feared, you still saw him. You knew that you could have done something about it.

But what? You'd never know. Neither do you think it's possible to find out. If only you could turn back time and go back to the day you met him, maybe you could do something then.

But time doesn't reverse. It defies logic and laws. Even Eren used to say keep moving forward.

You lay your head beside his gravestone. The grass hasn't quite grown properly around it, yet. Dirt smears itself onto your face. You think you will keep a garden here like you used to.

You swear you can remember it. Somewhere. The garden of your childhood. Dirt.

"Where are you, Eren?"

Of course, there is no reply.

22

"Happy birthday, 'Ren. You'd be twenty-one now. I'm still a year older, though."

You place a few flowers for him. You think he'd like them. You wish you had given him flowers back when he was still alive. You didn't at the time because he was a boy and everyone said that the boys should be the ones giving girls flowers, never the other way around. Plus, you were shy. Everyone would have teased you about it.