𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐈𝐅𝐔𝐋 𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐒 || 𝟏𝟖+

𝐓 𝐄 𝐍

ALANI

We returned home a while ago, and Valentino and Damian have been giving me weird stares since we left.

Do I look weird? What if I'm being weird? Is it—

"Alani," Valentino shakes me slightly, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Are you sure you're doing okay? You don't have to pretend if you aren't." He smiles at me reassuringly.

"I'm okay, I swear. I'm just not going to let some guy haunt me for the rest of my life."

"I get that, and its good, but it's only just been over a week. I know you, lani. You're my twin. And I know that you don't get over things that fast. Especially not something as serious as—" he starts, but I sigh frustratedly and cut him off.

"Can you just let me be?! Why can't I be happy without being questioned?! You always do this! I know I'm usually crying over everything, but just let me get over something for once!" I snap, storming up to my room. I slam my door, throwing myself on my bed and pulling out my phone. I don't even bother locking my door, knowing Valentino will get in either way.

God, why can't I just forget about something for once? Yeah, maybe my innocence and dignity was ripped away from me, and maybe I was truly haunted by his face, but why can't I just try to forget that? I don't care about talking about my feelings or slowly getting over it. I just want to forget it for once. But I can't. Why can't I forget? Why can't I just get over it?

Because it was important to you. It was everything.

Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!

You aren't meant to simply forget. You can't just pretend it never happened.

The voice —my voice— drowns me, there's so much happening in my head— I think I can even hear Valentino in here...

"Alani, please, answer me. You're scaring me—" I finally snap my head up, staring up at Valentino's worried eyes. There's a tear in one... he looks shattered.

That's when I feel something on my cheek, and I wipe it, realising it's a tear. Multiple tears. They travel down my face like a river down a slope. And then I think of myself. So weak, pathetic. Stuck in a never-ending cycle of rising and falling, tears falling each time just like rain.

But it's not what happens that truly breaks me— it's myself. I'm my biggest bully; my own hater. I was myself, and yet I was my worst enemy.

I look down, suddenly ashamed. I had no reason to yell at him, and I had no clue that I had worried him. I mutter a small "I'm sorry," as another tear slips from my eye.

Then I feel the warmth of his embrace, holding me close. He sits beside me, keeping his arms wrapped around my body at the same time.

"Don't be sorry. I kept pushing, and I should have realised what was happening. You're in denial, Alani."

And I fall apart. I break down until I'm nothing in his comforting arms, unable to hide from the darkness that keeps trying to swallow me whole. But I don't want to fall into that lonely abyss. I want to be here, where I'm happy. I want to be with Valentino and Damian and Nila. I want to be with Lily and Avery and my family. But mostly, I just want to be here.

I want to really be here. Not zoning out or getting lost in horrible thoughts of what I could do to myself. Not stuck in the vision of what I could do to that man. Just here.

"You need to fully accept that it isn't your fault. You need to accept that you can't just ignore it." He pauses, as if waiting to find the right sentence. "Please," one word, and yet it holds so much pain that his voice breaks just the tiniest bit, "don't try to hide from it. I can't let you sit here and pretend everything is okay when it really isn't. I can't watch you pretend nothing ever happened, because you'll never heal if you do." He tells me.

But how do I listen? I'm turning into somebody I don't want to be, and I can't change it. I'm slowly loosing myself, and I'm so, so scared.

"I don't know what else to do. I just— I feel so... so weak. So disgusting." I whisper, not mentioning the thoughts i get. The disgusting thoughts.

"You didn't have to be strong. You know why? Because that never should've happened. You weren't meant to be able to fight him off, because he shouldn't have even looked at you in the wrong way. None of this is your fault, none. of. it. Don't let him get in your head. He doesn't deserve your tears. He doesn't deserve your pain. You don't deserve it. But that doesn't mean you can't feel it." He holds me close, whispering sweet words to me.

"You don't have to get over it so quickly, lani. You're allowed to let it out. You're allowed to feel it all." He calms me, kissing my head over and over. "In fact, I want you to let yourself feel it, because I want you to heal. That's all you have to do. But dont cry at the thought of him. Dont let him send you into this denial and the spiralling. You can feel hurt because of what happened, but dont hurt because of him. He isn't worth it, Lani."

His voice is so soothing, so kind. He just sits there with me, rocking back in forth as he keeps me close to his chest. He hushes me, letting my breathing fall into a normal pace once again. Even when I stop crying, an emotionless xpression on my tear stained face, he still holds me. He hugs me so tight that I can't move. But I don't want to move anyway. I felt peaceful for the first time since what happened. I wasn't fighting myself in my head or reliving the nightmare that occurred that night.

No, I simply felt at peace. No pain, no hurt, no emotion. Just peace.