I don't remember the last time I wasn't anxious about something.
I don't remember the last time I didn't feel nauseous with a heavy feeling in my chest,
constantly on the verge of a panic attack.
I don't remember the last time I could just relax and be carefree.
I don't remember the last time I was able to be a normal kid, let alone a normal adult.
I don't remember the last time I felt like I had any control over my own life.
I don't remember the last time I didn't hate every single thing about myself
and every single thing I create.
I don't remember the last time I had any resemblance of self-esteem.
I don't remember the last time I wasn't uncomfortable in my own body.
I don't remember the last time I could eat something without distressing over
how many calories it had.
I don't remember the last time I wasn't constantly preoccupied with
those three glowing numbers on the scale.
I don't remember the last time I wasn't angry all the time.
But I don't remember the last time I wanted to fight.
Because I don't remember the last time any of this seemed worth it.
I don't remember the last time I actually had fun
and everything, even things that should be fun, didn't feel like work that was draining me.
I don't remember the last time I didn't feel like I was drowning.
I don't remember the last time any positive feeling I felt wasn't
entirely superficial and extremely fleeting.
I don't remember the last time I could look at a childhood photo without reminding myself
that all the people in the photos hate me now, including myself.
I don't remember the last time I went an entire day without thinking about hurting myself.
I don't remember the last time I wasn't living a double life.
I don't remember the last time I didn't have a thousand secrets tearing me apart
from the inside out.
I don't remember the last time I wasn't more obsessed with "likes" than my own will to live.
I don't remember the last time I wasn't in agony.
I don't remember the last time I wasn't spiraling down.
I don't remember the last time I could look at a bottle of pills
without thinking about downing the entire bottle.
I don't remember the last time I wanted to be alive.
YOU ARE READING
The Things We Don't Talk About
Poetry***Trigger Warning: Mental health, mental illness, eating disorders, suicidal ideation, self-harm*** A collection of poems delving into the dark side of the human experience. From high highs to low lows, emotion can be intense. And this collection s...
