Tequila & Birdcages

Take me |e.s|

CW: fingering, performance anxiety

I've been seeing Dr.Staple for a few months now and things have been great. Other than the fact I've developed a crush on her, but in my defense, how could I not? Her red hair that falls on her shoulders is mesmerizing. Those brown eyes that are always so soft and filled with the warmth of a fire. Her hands that sit so delicately on her lap, sometimes caressing the fabric of her fitted skirts or dresses.

Needless to say, I'm always excited about our sessions and today is no different. However, I'm a bit more nervous than usual because there'll be a new topic I'm wanting to discuss. As I pull into my usual spot I sigh deeply, checking the time to see I'm 15 minutes early as always. I take that extra time to regulate my breathing, reassuring myself that she's not gonna have an adverse reaction.

Ellie always remains composed, it's one of the things I love most about her. She listens to me even when I'm talking nonsense and she's so patient. I suppose it's her job but often times, it feels more like I'm talking to a friend than a therapist. She doesn't have that stereotypical clipboard, she just watches and listens.

I enter the building, the air conditioning welcoming me as I venture further in. I can hear muffled voices and I know her previous client is probably wrapping up so I take a seat. I scroll on my phone for a bit to pass the remaining time until I hear a door open. "See you in two weeks, Stacey" her voice echos, "thanks Ellie, have a good day" the girl answers before leaving.

"Hey there, sweetheart" I turn to see her head peeking around the corner and I stand up to follow her into the room. "Hey Dr.Staple" I sigh as I take a seat on the couch, taking off my shoes and curling my legs up. "So... how've you been? Anything new?" she asks just like every time and maybe it's monotonous to others but I find the consistency comforting.

"No, not really" I shrug and she hums in response, waiting for me to say something else. She'll do this sometimes, make me sit in silence when she knows there's more. I figure it's because she doesn't wanna talk over me or accidentally interrupt the beginning of my sentence. Then again, it could be because she knows me so well and that I hate awkward silence and will eventually fill it.

"Well... there is something actually" I admit and she nods for me to go on, slipping off her sandals and pulling her legs to the side so they're slightly under her. "It's just that—well it's not like a real problem I guess. I mean of course it bothers me and that's... not good but it's not major either because it doesn't really affect anything" I ramble, glancing at her to see she's waiting for me to spit it out.

"If it bothers you then it is a 'real' problem. Don't dismiss it, you don't have to do that with me, ok? Anything you feel is valid" I nod along, having heard this from her many times before. "I've just been having... performance anxiety I think" I whisper, so quiet I almost feel like she didn't hear me. "Is there someone in your life you feel like you're not pleasing? I only ask because you haven't mentioned anyone..." she inquires and I shake my head.

"No that's what I meant like... there isn't anyone so I don't know why I feel this way" I confess, "maybe you want there to be someone? Perhaps there's a person you've had your eyes on and we all like to fantasize, so maybe when you do... you think about what it would be like and that's what's causing your anxiety" I think about it for a few seconds and it makes sense.

"We haven't really talked about sex, not to say it's a common topic amongst my clients, though it does tend to come up. Is there any particular reason you've not brought it up?" I glance down to my hands, not wanting to meet her eyes as I answer. "It's just that—well umm... I've never really done 'it' before" I mumble and I hear her hum in response.

"That's perfectly ok, there's not a right or wrong time to. I understand wanting to wait for the right person or even just not being interested-" "no umm I am interested... it's just that there's really no one to—you know" I gesture with my hands and she gets the idea. "Well... I'd say you have to just go for it. You'll never get over the fear until you do. When the time comes just make sure it's with someone you trust, that way it'll feel less awkward" she advises, to which I sigh.