I'm Gonna Write a Book

Awkward Surge

"Damn, look at her."

Then disappears into the house for ten minutes. Draw your own conclusion. Upon returning my dad says, 

"Johnny look at the chick now, she is in a dress and is wearing makeup!"

Strike two. My father has one more bullshit comment I can tolerate before he reaches his word count. I say, 

"She wears makeup in the shop too, dad."

I am so angry, when that bitch wears a dress, it's 'oh look at that how cute.' When I wear a dress (and a casual one at that, not an evening gown or anything crazy) it's,

"You look like your trying too hard."

I am still heated and the show is wrapping up. The car guys are trying to sell a green Ferrari (looks so ugly, it's neon green) and the car has a giant metal sign attached to it with the car shop's name. My father says,

"That's so annoying, putting a name plaque on the car like that. It reminds me of when women wear a necklace with their name on it."

Strike three fucktard. Always with the judging of what women wear, but all you wear is shit shirts and cargo shorts. To avoid making a scene, I stand up and leave quietly. I text my father that I was going to get dog food for Sunflower. I admit I cried a little in the car. 

I am never going to get my freedom back. I used to live in Florida, in my own apartment. I had my own rules, I could stay out if I wanted, I could stay in too. I had the choice to decide what to do with my time. Now, I am policed down to what I wear. I long for a day where I can wear what I want, and not give a single fuck what my father says. Even when I work up the courage to do that, he will probably just alter plans so I am not over there with Jared all dressed up. 

My father doesn't suspect there is anything going on anymore, but I know he isnt stupid about it either. I have to walk the line of subtle, classy, and sexy. I want to look nice and build a reputation for myself that I dress classy even when standing in a garage. That's the woman I am. Fuck the thought that says it's for Jared or John. It's for me, it's so I have the confidence to be myself. Lord knows that shit has been hard to do lately. 

Jared texts me almost everyday, which is great, but I get so flustered and panicky on what to respond. Read the brain dead shit I've been peddling to this poor man. I'm gonna start with the day I left angry to go get dog food.

Monday 5:31pm

J: Why are you in a sour mood

M: I'm sorry I don't mean to be. I don't wanna bring anybody down. im just tired today

J: Ok. Well you arent bringing anyone down I want you to have fun and be happy

M: i appreciate that. im trying to be. im losing my resolve to weather my dad's comments. he just has something negative to say about most of the shit i do lately

J: Wanna know why?

M: why?

J: Because he is your dad. We are supposed to look after you. Just needs to find a little better way to convey it.

I walked back through the gate to Jared's house at this point and went inside to use the bathroom. 

J: Where did you go

M: bathroom haha im coming back just had to pee *sidewayz laughing emoji

J: Oh. Thought you left. Lol

M: i understand he wants to protect me, that's what makes it so ironic. it's not always about protecting me though, it's complicated haha

M: no ofc not, hanging out with u makes california bearable *laughing emoji x2