Push and Pull (Sirius Black X Reader)

Chapter 18

I avoid Sirius for as long as I can, leaving for work when he's not in my path and coming home after I know he'll be in his room. It's easy to find things to do to occupy myself, working nonstop on my proposal. It feels like it's the only thing keeping me going right now, the knowledge that I can make the proposal better, that I can beat Hal if I just revise the proposal one more time.

The second day of avoiding Sirius, Noah comes to my office to help me. Although Sirius pissed me off (among other things), I can acknowledge when he's right. I know that sleeping with Noah is not a good idea, if not because of me, because of Gracie. I know that if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't want to see my ex moving on with one of my coworkers. Even if things didn't work out between her and me, I can still try to be respectful of her feelings.

Noah is understanding. He has never been the most forward guy, and I think he is waiting for me to make the first move. So I don't, and he doesn't, and everything is fine. He helps me organize my thoughts and he adds in some points that he's come across in his specialty, prophecies concerning muggles. We work on it until the building is empty and the lights are all turned out other than in my office.

He says to me as we're finally leaving, "So, when are we presenting this thing?"

"What?"

"You want to actually present this, right?" he asks. "Hal is putting through his formal proposal next week, and then it moves on to the committee the week after. If we want it considered, we have to put it through."

"Oh, yeah, of course." I don't know why my stomach flips at the thought. "It's just that it's not ready yet, so I have to keep working on it. I'll let you know."

"I don't want you to overthink this. You could give a typewriter to a chimpanzee and it could write a proposal better than Hal's, so it's not a question of whether you're going to win this. You just have to have the courage to put it through. I believe in your idea, but it's yours, and I won't go forward with it without you. Hal can't do shit to you other than play mind games, and your proposal is amazing. Promise me you'll go through with this?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I will."

"I'll be there with you when you do it," he says and smiles. "Goodnight, Y/N."

"Goodnight, Noah. And thank you."

He just smiles and leaves. I wait until he's gone to leave because I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to think about why I'm hesitating when I should be aiming to kill. I never would have hesitated before. The person I was in school would have already made a move and cut Hal off before he could even get a word in.

I sigh and make my way to the floo chamber, checking the time to make sure Sirius will be away. It's eight-thirty, and he is usually in his room by this point reading a book. I toss a handful of floo powder into the fireplace and step through, immediately kicking off my shoes and throwing my papers down as I enter the main sitting room, irritated with Noah because he's right and irritated with myself because I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it. Too scared I'll fail and even more scared that I won't and I'll get the promotion and then I'll have to be better.

"Four hours late."

I jump, whipping around to see Sirius sitting on the couch. He has a smug grin on his face as the fire flickers down and the room dims. "What the hell are you doing out here?"

"What the hell were you doing not out here?"

"I was at work."

"Is that what we're calling it these days?" he asks. He sounds like he's joking but I can see his knee bouncing as I light a candle with my wand.

"I was!"

"You were...avoiding me?"

"No, I was at work."

"I know you better than that," he says.

"I told you I was going to be late."

"No, you told me you were going to be late yesterday, and you were. You said nothing about today."

"So you just sat here and twiddled your thumbs to berate me when I got back?"

"Am I not allowed to sit on my own couch?"

"All right, whatever you say, Starboy," I say and turn around, grabbing my shoes and my papers. I'm halfway across the room when he catches my arm and pulls me to face him.

"Let's talk rules."

"Rules? Really? At our grown ages?"

He ignores me. "You tell me when you're going to be late so I know that you're okay."

I cross my arms, knowing that he has a very good point.

He continues, "And, you don't stay at work for an extra four hours just because you don't want to see me. Do you honestly think that I didn't talk to you yesterday because it was past my bedtime? I didn't talk to you because you didn't want to talk. I can see that. I can give you space if that's what you want, but I need to know you're safe."

When I don't respond, he continues, "You think you're so clever waiting me out. If I wanted to see you, I would have, Sunshine."

"If you didn't want to see me, then what's the point of camping out here and—"

"Hit a nerve?" When he says it, he squeezes my arm a little, and that's when I realize that he's still holding me. I shrug out of his touch, scowling when he grins.

"Okay, fine," I say. "Since I have to get your seal of approval before I do anything, then here. I will not be coming home at the normal time because I will be at work with Noah working on my proposal. Happy?"

"Not in the slightest, actually," he says, following me as I stomp up the stairs to my bedroom.

"You know what?" I ask, whirling around. He's closer to me than I expect, and I have to take a moment to recover, shifting my gaze from his chest up to his face. "I don't care. It's none of your business what I do and what I don't. I have things I have to do, and I don't want to waste my time pandering to you because you're still the same possessive, overbearing manchild as you were in school."

I expect him to get angry with me, to shout something back, to tell me that I'm still just as crazy as I was in school. But he just looks at me, grey eyes locked on mine, chest rising and falling steadily, and I'm left to reflect on everything I've said and done.

"Listen, I'm sorry—"

"No, don't apologize for saying what you feel," he says. "God knows you've said far worse to me. I'm not mad at you. I'm angry at myself for not comprehending that things are different now. My input doesn't mean anything anymore, and that's okay. I just have to get it through my head that things have changed and that we aren't what we were anymore."

"It does matter. You matter to me, okay? It's just—I'm an adult and I have responsibilities and needs and irrational desires, and I don't need you to make me feel guilty about them. Even if you're right. I didn't try to sleep with Noah. Because you were right and just because..." I trail off, cheeks flushing. "It doesn't matter. Your input does mean something to me. I'm a mess and I need it."

"If you're a mess, then what would you call me?"

"You're a whole trainwreck, Starboy. But you always have been. It's part of your charm."

"I missed you calling me that."

It catches me off guard. As soon as he lets himself become so vulnerable, so honest, I'm shocked to the core. Stunned silent, unable to argue or make amends. I just watch him. He seems surprised that he said it too, and he takes a deep breath and then falls silent alongside me. We stand there in the hallway watching each other, each of us afraid to break the silence.

In the end, neither of us does.

But Sirius is the one to make a move. He raises one hand and sets it against my cheek, thumb brushing over my cheekbone.

And then he turns and disappears into his room, leaving me alone and all the more confused.