Push and Pull (Sirius Black X Reader)

1978: The Confession

I avoid Sirius after the kiss and the slap for as long as I can. I am mortified by the entire interaction, and shame burns in my cheeks and my belly whenever I'm reminded of it, which is often. I'm ashamed that Remus walked in on us, and I'm ashamed of the way I reacted when I was actively participating in the kiss. I feel terrible that I likely embarrassed Sirius.

I spend the rest of the day in my room. I skip my classes and my meals and dread the night, but I can't bring myself to bail on the boys just because I made a stupid decision.

As the sky finally begins to darken, I slip out of my bed and pull my shoes on, glancing over at my roommates. One of the girls grins and says, "Another late night for you?"

"I'll be back tomorrow morning," I tell her and pull on my jacket, making sure my wand is secure in the pocket.

"Have a wonderful night," she says with a grin, no doubt assuming that I'll be with a boy. She's right, but not in the way she thinks. But I don't bother to correct her with another lie; I just keep quiet.

I meet the boys by the Whomping Willow, and James and Peter don't seem to have any clue about what happened earlier. I silently thank Remus and Sirius for keeping it to themselves, although I don't even meet Sirius' eyes. I think his eyes are on me, but I can't tell and I'm too nervous to check, so I keep my head forward and my eyes down.

As always, Peter makes the first move, and then James lifts him onto his shoulder, setting off into the passage. Sirius follows, waiting until James is far enough ahead that he won't hear before he speaks.

"I wasn't sure you'd come," he says finally.

"Of course I did. I'm here to help Remus."

"You avoided us all day."

I don't say anything, and Sirius doesn't say anything either. However, when I go to descend one of the sharper declines in the passage, he sets a hand on my lower back to steady me. I jerk away from him, casting a look over my shoulder. My heart pangs when his eyebrows draw together.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I'm sorry, all right?"

He doesn't say anything, and I don't blame him. I'm sending mixed signals from every direction because I don't know how to process the way my stomach flips when he looks at me. Sirius Black, the most arrogant boy I know who never fails to fight with me and call me names and poke at me and pinch me until little bruises form on my skin.

There's a pit in my stomach, churning and cramping, and I feel too warm in the tight passage. I press a hand to my belly and let out a deep breath, using my other hand to brush sweat from my brow. I thought I was going to have a hard time blocking Sirius out, but discomfort overrides my concern about his feelings.

As we walk, the pit in my stomach shifts from nausea to churning and back again. I stumble a bit as lightheadedness rushes over me. I brace myself against the wall and glance over at Sirius. He doesn't say anything; he doesn't steady me either.

I know that I should say something. I should tell someone that I'm not feeling well. I should turn back and go rest. But I'm already feeling ashamed about my behavior earlier in the day, so I keep quiet, keeping steady by trailing one hand along the cool stone of the passage wall.

By the time we reach the entrance to the shack, I'm feeling a little bit better, and we all whisper to each other about the rules that we always go over when we get here.

"See you on the other side," James says and presses his hand to his brow in a salute, eyes falling shut as he transforms into his animagus form. Peter, already a rat, scurries around James' hooves, and then Sirius shifts into a dog, shaking his fur out. I close my eyes and focus, feeling myself begin to shift.

I don't know what happens.

One moment, I'm shifting, and I'm certain that I've become the cat, and then the next, I land on my butt on the ground, blinking furiously as black spots cloud my vision. Sweat slides down my forehead, and I brace my hands behind me on the ground as I force back nausea with deep breaths. The hair on Sirius' back rises, and then he shifts back into his human form. The others hesitate, but Sirius waves them on, saying, "Go to Moony. I've got her."

"I'm fine," I slur, trying to push myself up on shaking limbs, but Sirius shakes his head and eases me back down.

"Okay, okay," he says, setting his hand on the back of my head and lowering me back to lay on the cold ground. His hand cushions the hard stone as my head meets the ground, and then he says, "I'm just unzipping your jacket." I nod as he does so, and then he wraps his hands around my ankles, lifting my legs in the air. "Breathe for me, Sunshine," he says, his thumb rubbing small circles on my ankle.

I slowly begin to feel a little bit better, but I'm not feeling fully fine. When he's sure I'm okay, Sirius helps me to my feet and begins to lead me back the way we came. My cheeks burn with embarrassment as I realize that we're not helping Rem just because of a dizzy spell.

"Sorry," I murmur.

"Don't apologize," he says. "Did you eat today?"

I don't answer, and he doesn't ask again because we both know the answer, which embarrasses me even more. It must have been the exertion from shifting that was the final straw for me.

Sirius breaks the silence after a few minutes. "Better to do it before we get in the shack with a werewolf, yeah?"

I laugh quietly even though I want to cry.

Sirius brings me to his room and guides me to his bed without asking. He gives me some water and finds a granola bar in his stash, which I snack on while I burrow into his blankets to try to hide my shame from the world. He presses his hand against my forehead, and I let him even though I know he doesn't have a reason to do it, because it feels nice when he pushes stray strands of hair from my forehead.

"How did you know what to do?" I ask quietly.

"My mom has fainting spells sometimes," he says softly, seated beside me on the edge of his bed. "When we were little, Reggie and I always used to hold her legs up for her until the dizziness went away."

"Oh."

Sirius just looks at me, eyes traveling over my face slowly. I can't believe how he can be so nice sometimes when other times, he's so... And when I'm so terrible to him.

"I'm sorry."

"I already told you—"

"I'm sorry I slapped you earlier."

He goes silent.

"I don't know why I did it," I continue, looking away from him so I don't have to see his facial expression. I stare at Rem's empty bed. "I was surprised and confused, and sometimes I just hate you so much. I shouldn't have hit you, though. No matter what I was feeling."

"You hate me?" he asks lightly.

A pause. "No."

I can see Sirius' throat work when he swallows, and the movement of his hand catches my eye. I watch as he gingerly takes my hand in his, staring at my fingers like he's trying to memorize the curve of each joint. He flips my hand and traces his hand over my palm, his touch tickling me. I watch his face, the thick, dark eyebrows, cool grey eyes, the soft lips turned somewhere between a frown and a bashful smile.

"I don't hate you even a little bit, Sunshine," he says and meets my eyes. The kiss he presses to my palm is timid, but it has my heart pounding.

I don't hate you even a little bit, Sunshine.