Push and Pull (Sirius Black X Reader)

Chapter 10

No matter how many times I thought about the end of my relationship, I never expected Remus to be the one to end it. Never expected him to drop a newspaper with listings for apartments in front of me while I was catching up on work. Never expected him to sleep on the ratty old couch while I took the bed. Never expected him to disappear for hours at a time without explanation or invitation.

There's a small part of me that's sad. But a bigger part of me is relieved because I don't have to keep disappointing him.

It's not like he's treating me poorly now. He still talks to me, although not much, and he's still considerate, but I can tell he's itching for me to leave. Even though he won't say it, I can tell he needs time alone to process everything. Between the breakup, the loss of his job, and Sirius' return, he's going through a lot right now, and my presence is not helping him cope.

The front door opens as I hunch over a pile of paperwork, twirling my pen absently between my fingers. Remus appears in my peripherals, and he pulls out the chair beside mine at the table.

"Found another one," he says and slides a paper to me.

"Oh, thanks," I say and set my pen down, looking over the advert for the apartment. It's in London, a rundown old building with broken windows and steep stairs. It's in terrible shape, and I can only imagine all of the issues that aren't shown or mentioned.

I can't afford it.

"And it's close by a floo station so you can get to work," he says.

"Yeah, I'll look into this one. Thank you."

Remus is quiet for a moment. He says, "Sirius asked about you again."

"Did he?"

"Every time I see him. I told him you were looking for a place to stay and he offered help. He wants you to move in with him in his house."

I don't say anything because I don't know what to say. Of course Sirius would offer something like that. He was that sort of person—gallant and kind, even when he misplaced those feelings and conveyed them destructively.

But I know better. Remus and I haven't told Sirius about our relationship yet. I haven't gone to see him either. Because I'm afraid of what he will think. I'm surprised he isn't mad at me for letting him sit in prison for all these years. I know that I tried to get him out, but he doesn't. I didn't try hard enough, though. That much is apparent.

I don't know if he will be mad about Rem and me. I'd like to say that, if I were in his shoes, I would have wanted my significant other to move on and find happiness. I suppose I never did either of those things, but I still did on paper.

The thing is, just because Sirius went to prison, that doesn't mean that our relationship ceased to exist. We never broke up, never agreed to go steady while he was away, nothing. I never saw him after he left me that Halloween night. I decided that his being away meant that we were no longer together, but there's no saying what he thought. I don't know what he expected of me, and I don't know how he will react if I've disappointed him.

By making him wait, I'm almost professing my guilt. When he finds out that Rem and I hid the relationship from him after he escaped the dementors, I fear he will think that I feel guilty about my relationship with Rem. Maybe I do. But letting him think I feel guilty will only assure him that what I did was wrong when it doesn't necessarily have to be construed in such a way.

"I was thinking maybe we could visit him tomorrow," Rem says. "Afterward, I'll have trouble finding time for a visit with all the job interviews, and I know you're off tomorrow. Is that okay?"

"Yeah."

It doesn't really feel okay, though. My stomach feels weird and my whole body is jittery. As much as I've missed Sirius, and as much as I've fantasized about seeing him again, this is somehow not what I expected. I look up at Rem through my eyelashes and see he's staring out the window, eyebrows drawn together and a frown on his face. He looks so tired, and I know I'm a big part of that. I'm a nuisance to him now, a reminder of our failures as a couple.

I know then and there that it doesn't matter how I feel. I am going to see Sirius, and then I am going to move out of this cottage no matter where I end up.