Path Into the Abyss

Wonderland and the Abyss: Dissected

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF-HARM, MENTIONS OF BLOOD, DEPRESSION, DISSOCIATION, DEPERSONALISATION, PULLING OUT HAIR, AND PERSONALITY DISORDERS UNDER THE LINE.

If you are in a bad mental state right now, do not continue reading this. Close this book and speak to someone you trust and try to work through this problem. Contact a helpline. Do not use this story to justify your actions or use it as "ideas". That is NOT what this is for and I am explicitly stating this.

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Before I begin, thank you for reading. I have been extremely vulnerable in this book about some of my darkest feelings, and I appreciate you taking the time to try to understand them. This is not a story meant to be taken literally or as inspiration. I wrote it to depict my personal experiences with depersonalisation, depression, and self-harm to educate others and show those struggling that they are not alone. Now let's begin on understanding what I meant. If you have any questions about particular lines or want me to elaborate, feel free to ask here or in the chapter where the item is located.

The Abyss, also known in its early stages as Wonderland, is a dark place devoid of life or feeling. After accidentally injuring themselves in a struggle to move, the narrator realises the Abyss is tied to them specifically. The narrator is attempting to cause themselves pain so they can bring back any sensation possible, as they believe it is the only way to escape. The world changes around them as they do this and it seems to be getting easier to move and see. They are of course hurting themselves but they are so desperate for ANY stimulation that they continue to do it. Eventually holding their breath isn't enough, so they bite their tongue. That isn't enough, so they scratch themselves. This continues to escalate until they are pulling parts of themselves off. First hair, then peeling skin, then ripping out nails, until the sludge turns reddish. They don't understand that this feeling is not helping them regain their senses, it is just hurting them, but they are desperate and confuse their pain with happiness in the abyss. In the end, they decide to bite off their tongue in hopes of escaping.

Upon first entering Wonderland, the afflicted person is put at ease and everything around them seems too good to be true. They are alone, but not lonely. They are trapped, but it feels more like a hug than a forceful grip. They find they are still able to leave at this stage, but do not want to. Wonderland preys upon those affected by low self-esteem and a tendency for escapism. It represents daydreaming slowly turning into dissociation and derealisation. Eventually, Wonderland shows its true colours and turns into the Abyss.

The Abyss is a metaphor for the mental state induced during a depressive or intense dissociative episode. Those in this state are aware of this but unable to prevent or remove themselves from it. It feels like you are trapped within your own body, that you can't move. A lot of the feeling of the senses is lost, and many resort to self-harm for temporary relief from these symptoms. This doesn't solve the issue of course, but it eases it for a while. This is symbolised by the lightening of the surroundings as well as it getting easier for the narrator to move around. Their actions seem irrational and exaggerated, but when one is in a desperate position they will try anything to get out of it, even to their detriment. They don't get out of the Abyss with this, but it feels like the only possible escape.

This is not true, but this short story was more about capturing the feeling and expressing it accurately than a guide. I do not endorse any of the actions or thoughts depicted in this book, but I understand them from personal experience. This is NOT a guidebook or an "answer" to the issues presented.