FROM MY MIND, TO YOURS, WITH LOVE

BREAKFAST FROM MAMA

He wakes up every morning at 6:30AM. He cannot be late, because Ling always wakes up at 6:50AM. He has to make sure everything is ready, everything is on time, so his story can match, and Ling can go to school with a smile on her face.

His head feels heavy. He massages his forehead slowly, and the headache subsides a bit. He grabs his glasses, wears it, and now everything clears up. He glances at the bed next to him, takes a deep breath, and ruffles the bedsheet with a few tugs. He shakes the blanket, throws it haphazardly on that side of the bed, gives a couple quick slaps on the pillow. Now it is good.

He freezes in front of the bed, shakes his head, wipes the clear warm liquid that start to bubble up at the corner of his eyes.

"Damn...why...?" he asks the just-slapped pillow. The crack in his voice lets him know that he needs to go out of the bedroom soon. He cannot break down now, not that Ling will awaken shortly.

His footsteps are gentle, his wool slippers help mask the noise of his gait on the wooden floor.

The rays of sunlight sneak in between the blinds, horizontal bright lines in contrast with the dusty, dark grey blinds. Last night's dinner plates and pans are still in and around the sink. Grimes and oil from many times cooking have hardened and stuck to the kitchen wall around the stove. Yellow, orange, and blackish. And the stink of the overflown trash bin in the corner of the room. "I need to throw the trash today..." he notes to himself, the same note for the past four days.

He opens the kitchen cabinet, and mindlessly collects the breakfast stuff with one swoop of his hands. Bread, chocolate sprinkles, and peanut butter. From the fridge, he grabs the margarine.

He turns the bread in different angles, inspecting for molds. All clear. His hands move quickly, spreads margarine on half surface of the bread, spread some chocolate sprinkles, cut the bread in half, and the bread is set on a plastic plate with Elsa and Anna characters from the movie Frozen on it.

A small cup of milk is settled next to the plate.

"Good morning, Papa..."

I am on time, he sighs quietly.

"Has Mama left already?" a little girl in her pink pajamas comes into the kitchen. She rubs her eyes, and her hair is a mess around her pinkish face.

"Yes, sweetheart. She just left a couple minutes ago!" a well-rehearsed answer.

"I miss her, Papa..."

"I know, Ling. I know. Look, she prepares breakfast for you!"

Ling slumps on the chair. Her lips pout, her eyebrows knot, and her eyes downcast.

"As usual, she asks me to give you a kiss..." he plants a quick peck on his daughter's cheek.

The girl waves him off as she withdraws her face away from him. "Papa, I miss her. Why can't she just wake me up at night when she comes home? Or wake me up in the morning before she leaves for work? I hate her new job!"

"But she comes home so late, and her work starts so early. You know we need the income..." he stammers. He cannot panic now.

"Doesn't she miss me? She's also gone on the weekends!" the soft voice quivers, and he nods quickly. "Of course, Ling. Of course. That's why she makes you breakfast every morning and asks me to kiss you good morning. At night, she also kisses you when she gets home ... " his voice still stammers.

Ling is quiet for a moment, then she stands up and runs to her parents' bedroom.

He closes his eyes, and he knows the little girl is now on his bed.

Five minutes, and the girl comes into the kitchen again.

"I can't smell her anymore on the bed, Papa. The smell just becomes less and less everyday..." she whispers.

"Ahh ... maybe ... she changes her soap ... " what a shitty reply, he curses to himself.

But Ling nods in agreement. "Tell her to just keep using the same soap, Papa. I love the old one! Her smell makes me feel better...I don't want to forget her smell!" she sits down again."When was the last time I saw Mama?" her eyes darts around the ceiling.

"I don't know, sweetheart ... well, I ... haven't counted ..." he tries to smile.

"Must be about a month now! Remember, Papa? That morning she waved goodbye to me when she dropped me off at school, and you picked me up from school and took me to Uncle Lee's house for a week of stay with him. Then you picked me up again from Uncle Lee, and she started her new job already when I got home again. Remember, Papa? That day your eyes got a bad infection and got so red I thought you were crying?"

He nods hard. Of course I remember ...

"She used to be at home so much with me. You are the one who is always busy, now it's the other way around. Next week is my seventh birthday, Papa. I hope she can take time off work so we can celebrate!" the smile on his daughter's face darkens his heart.

"I will wake up much earlier tomorrow so I can see her before she goes to work!" announces Ling as she starts tucking into her bread.

He shakes his head really gently and thankful that his little girl does not see it.

"And the breakfast she makes for me! Always so yummy!" Ling smiles with chocolate stains on her milk teeth.

He takes a deep breath and glances at the calendar on the wall.

Next week is Qingming*.

He will take Ling to see her mama. It is the right thing to do. It is not right to keep lying to Ling, the way it is not right for a drunk driver to smash into his wife after she dropped off Ling that day.

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AUTHOR'S NOTE:

* Qingming, Tomb Sweeping Day, the day when Chinese families go to the tombs of their loved ones to clean them, as well as offering prayers, burning joss papers and joss sticks.