My thoughts for the Void

Battle Fields

Every day is a battle of the mind, me versus the me I don't want to find. Ever thought an instrument of war, every memory a field of gore. I draw my sword and pray for peace and calm but no matter what I do my weapons fall short and the war draws on. I struggle against this foe unseen but still I can't seem to convince myself that this isn't who I was meant to be. The way I was shines through the dark cell I placed him in and continues to show up in me. Clinging to the hope that someday things will go back to how they were, that some way somehow everything will go back to how it was and not be left behind. That the problems I face now will fade away like the smoke of the fires that blaze in my mind. And yet there is no going back to how, no who I was. I am not the same, things are not the same, she is not the same. What I was then can't win her over, what she is now is not for me desire any more. I swing the sword I must let her go. His armor is on, and he is braced for the blow. Caught in this endless struggle within my mind, no escape for the me I wish to become. For I don't quite miss her as much as I miss the part of me that left when she did. That part of me that was full of joy and always looked to the future with a gleam in his eye. That part of me that was not afraid to think what the next days might hold, afraid of the fact that he may not have anyone there when it is his time to die. But I cannot go back to that place or that time, the fraction of life that was not meant to be mine. So, I wage this war against myself, hope that I can figure this shit out. Yet still I can't beat down that sliver of me that is still hoping against hope that one day I could be that person again. So, war is waged, and battles fought. My mind the field where lessons of pain are taught.  Ever thought an instrument of war, and every memory a field of gore.