Noelle.

NINE.

"He heard our prayers..." my grandpa spoke, moved to tears himself. He wrapped me in a hug, caressing the back of my head, placing kisses on the top of my head as my arms laced around him in a back breaking hug. When we released from the hug, Leilani was sitting on my grandma's lap, "You are such a beautiful little lady" Grams spoke, causing Lani's cheeks to flush a soft pink color, "Thank you" she replied as she stared at my grandma then wrapped her in a surprise hug.

Bringing Leilani to meet my family has been a crippling weight on my shoulders, not knowing how neither her nor my family would react, but the way she looks at them, as if she's known them all her whole life. As if she'd met them a million times and they're her favorite people on earth, that was by far my favorite part. She looked at them as if she knew she had their same blood pumping through her veins. There wasn't an inch of her face nor body language that showed me that she felt unaccepted nor uncomfortable, it was the complete opposite of that.

Ayva grinned at Leilani and how she wrapped our grandma in a hug. "Do you know who I am?" My grandpa asked her, sitting on the couch next to my Grams, a hand rested on her thigh to lean in and talk to Nani. Nani nodded her head and caressed my Papa's white beard, "You're papa Deion" she replied. "And you're Grams. Grandma Silva. Mommy shows me pictures of you guys all the time, there's pictures of everyone around the house" she added, earning me a shoulder rub from my younger sister.

I wrapped an arm around her waist as she wrapped one of hers around mine and instinctively laid her head on my shoulder and I laid my head on top of hers. While I do think that talking to my parents will be one of the hardest parts, talking to Ayva will definitely trigger the most tears for me.

After I left, God revealed a lot to me about my sister and our relationship, how she views me, and how I hurt her in a lot of ways, though it wasn't intentional. This journey with God can be hard, but it's so rewarding. Hearing His voice for what it is and being obedient is one of the harder things for me personally. Having to set my pride aside and listen when He speaks, even when it's not what I want to hear, no one ever told me how hard that part was.

If there's one thing I learned, it's that there's always three perspectives to everything: Yours, the other person's, and God's. And while you may not have seen the wrong that you did, intentionally or unintentionally, or someone else may not see their wrong, God is the watcher of all. He hears all, and He knows all, and He's the perfect mediator between two people who see things for what they are in two completely different ways. He sees things in a neutral way because He loves both parties equally.

I was able to gather from God that she does feel a bit of bitterness, and He revealed to me why. I was all she'd ever known, and she craved a relationship with me. A friendship. I was always so tired, just wanting my own space simply because that's the kinda person I've always been, especially considering that being around my parents or even in their vicinity caused me so much internal turmoil.

Their energy was so draining and simply being in the same room as them made me feel claustrophobic. It was as if the entire time I was with them, they were silently judging me, just sitting back thinking of another thing to complain about that I wasn't doing correctly or could be doing better. From house chores down to schoolwork.

I never got a break to just be Noelle. And when I finally did, was finally old enough to hang out with people I could truly be myself around, Ayva had to come with me and I felt as though it was unfair. Not because I didn't love my sister, but because I wanted a break from putting on such a facade cause now I wasn't able to be Noelle. I had to be the Noelle that my little sister knew.

It was so exhausting having to be so many different versions of myself that pleased everyone but me. When I was with my friends I got to be just Noelle. Not the Noelle that my siblings knew, the Noelle that my parents knew, or even the Noelle that my grandparents knew. Just Noelle. Care free Noelle.