Noelle.

EIGHT.

At least that's one thing I have for the first time; sober parents. They'd gotten clean two years back after I decided to move out. Their drinking problem was something that I just wasn't willing to deal with. I told them that they had two options, sit and continue to drink their life away until they die, or shape up and get well enough to see their kids live out their lives for a few more decades before they kick the bucket.

I figured it was what they needed to hear and understand that I wasn't going to keep pacifying them the way that everyone else does. I remember a few years before that when Keith was leaving for college, he told them somewhat the same thing. It took for the youngest to cuss them out for them to get a grip, who the hell would have thought?

My attention shifted back to my sister after rubbing my mothers left hand that was rested on my leg, happy that she and my dad were alive to see their first grandchild. "I know that I have a lot of explaining to do. I'm sitting here, back in Seattle, holding a 4 year old, in my sober parent's house. I left a few years ago, not only because of finding out that I was pregnant with Leilani...." she started, looking down at my sleeping niece who she was holding on her lap in my dads recliner. She had a soft smile on her face, nearly causing me to well up.

"...there were a lot of underlying issues. Other causes and affects that resulted in my leaving also. Nani was just my biggest one. This is a conversation that goes deeper than what any of us can see with our physical eyes, and it's gonna take more than one conversation to get down to it all, and a lot of understanding, communication, and softened hearts" She finished.

"I agree, I think that this family conversation is something that we'd been needing to have for a long time, and as of right now, I don't think that it could have been done at a better time, with Ayva getting married in a week, mom and pops being sober for over a year now, and you guys knowing about Nani. I think theres gonna be a lot of clarity and a lot of healing that happens for all of us. Therapy may help too, but mostly communication and openness" Keith added, causing everyone to nod in agreement.

I listened intently, taking in their words. Am I really ready for something like this? Do I necessarily have to be at these family meetings? I don't want to hear everyone talk about how hard it was taking care of me and how I'm needy, or clingy, or whatever else they may think.

I know how I am and I know that one little thing can set me off, whether it makes me mad, sad, or offended in any way. I let things fester until it gets to the point where it's all I can think about. That's probably some deep rooted issues on my end but I don't know how to not be that way.

The last thing I wanna do is try and fight Keith for saying something to me the wrong way and then have us hating each other for the rest of our lives, I love my family, no matter how distant we may all be now. I'm growing up, I'm 22, about to be a wife, maybe it would be good for me to get some things out and maybe try some therapy.

"Im down for it, but does it have to happen now? Can we at least wait until after my wedding if it's gonna be something so deep? Y'all know how I am, and if one of y'all say something that make me mad, it's gonna fester and ima be in a bad mood before getting married. Derek is already calling me bridezilla and I'm only a week away from the day" I sighed.

I fought with myself internally as I came to the conclusion that maybe this family talk thing was a good idea. After talking to Derek and comparing our childhoods, a lot of things that I experienced that I thought were normal, or should be normal, wasn't.

Though he grew up with just a mom and his two brothers, he comes from a very close knit family, especially after one of his brothers passed away. Since a year into our relationship we came to the conclusion that we wanted a family just as close as his cause that's something that I've always craved, and he's always craved to be a present father to his future children, that's one of the things I loved most about him. His sensitivity.

I've been independent my whole life, dominating boys since I was younger. I never knew how to be gentle with a guy and let down my walls. I always wanted to be in control and have things be my way or the highway. Derek softens me out and is such a good leader as a man that he makes me want to submit to him, be more gentle, and give up my need for control. He isn't too dominant nor too submissive. I'd say we're 70/30 in our relationship, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

If I want to be better for my future children, I have to be better for my husband, which means I have to be better for myself, and I know that plucking my deep rooted issues up from the root itself would help me in so many different aspects of my life, not just as a wife or as a mother, but as a decent human being.

"Yeah, no, I agree. I feel like right now we just need to enjoy our time being back together for the time being, and then obviously enjoy the first wedding in our family tree in 26+ years, and then we'll sort out what needs to be sorted after Ayva is all settled in with her husband" Noelle chimed in, my eyes locking with hers after she looked away from Aria.

Knowing that I wasn't one of my sisters comfort people the way that she was for me stung. I have my thuggish ways but I can be real sensitive at times if I'm being for real. I don't think it's anything wrong with being a lil ghetto fabulous, but leave it to me to ruin my makeup by crying while tryna be a thug.

For over half my life, I'd had to deal with knowing that Aria wasn't going to be leaving Noelle's side any time in the near or far future and I thought I came to terms with that until all of this happened. Her knowing where and why Noelle went off grid and even more so now, being part of the reason as to why she's back, made me long for the friendship with my sister that Aria has with her.

Her supposedly being in a relationship with my brother, taking away the last sibling that I had, I guess she does need to be included in this family discussion cause there was no way in hell I was gonna not say anything to her about how I was feeling. I'm just gonna have to remind myself to be a grown woman about it and be as cordial as possible, seeing as how now she's double locked in with my family, triple if you count Leilani referring to her as "Auntie Aria" and knowing her since she was born. I scowl at the thought to myself, this was finna be one deep ass conversation. I was gonna need hella mental preparation.