sold to phoebe bridgers

gay church

the subway dropped you off at a dive bar. "we're going to meet them here to shoot some pool. don't tell julien i stole her line." erm............ exsqueeze me..!? 

erm what the flip is going on????????!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!???!!!!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?

the earth started shaking and trembling and rumbling and then BAM tsunami through the window. Phoebe is thrown across the room and is now dying and drowing. good thing i am a secrtet half god child of poseidon and i can breathe under water and save all of boygenius and phoebe bridgers and everyone. phoebe is saved. lucy is saved. julien is saved.

"wow! thanks for saving me AGAIN y/n," phoebe said. she stared into your huge doe, siren, fox, cat, blue, impossibly cerulean, periwinkle, ocean sky blue orbs. 

"i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-" you stammered. julien stood up with a pool stick in her hand.

"wow that was crazy! since i almost drowned maybe i could write a song about this. la la la la anti-curse la la la..." 

you had to crane your neck to see her as she spoke. even though boygenius fans tend to infantilize julien baker, she was gigantic next to your elf sized, petite, size -5, itty bitty, can barely see you under a microscope body! 

"thanks for saving us y/n," lucy said. "we're going to give you a barricade at our next show." 

"do i not already get that?" 

"no like... a barricade... around you... so you don't get crushed. i don't know if they would notice you since you're so nanoscopic." 

"oh........"

"yeah......."

an onlooker spots your petite body "go back to the north pole you pointy eared b****"

"HEY dont say that to my pookie ookie wookie Y/N she just saved my life" Phoebe Bridgers then roundhouse kicked him in the face andf then did some crazy black widow scarlett johansesenenn moves on his ass😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

"phoebe! i had no idea you could do that! i could write a song about this too... la la la shadowboxing la la la... 

"well let's get out of here. but first we have to make an appearance at gay church since we are literally the holy trinity. unfortunately maxine is not here so would you mind being the lamb of god y/n? i think you're the right size." 

"um okay???? tf..." 

so you packed up and went to gay church courtesy of muna. katie gavin was giving a sermon:

Oh God, save me
I want an impossible thing
I want to be free of this ache, of this need
I want not to want anything
Someone said, "God is here tonight"
Said they saw her outside getting high
Turn your head to the side
Hold your gaze against mine
And there it is
A mark of the divine

you were crying real, not crocodile, tears by the end of it. "troye sivan was so good on the guitar," you sobbed.

"who???" 

"the blonde one?"

"you dumbass! that's jo. they dyed their hair!" lucy said. 

"oh fr? well i LOVED bad bunny on the keyboard!!!" 

"so close! that is naomi." 

"oh.........awkward." 

"okay now that we've worshipped let's go perform!" phoebe said. 

"okayyyy!!!" 

will the barricade be sufficient to protect your itty bitty self? find out next time on sold to phoebe bridgers!

p.s. big shoutout to my bfffl arby for helping me write this chapter! writer's block you know how it goes heart emoji