Lost

Day 2

Dear Diary,

Bad day, really awful day. School was awful, which I really should be used to by now, but every school day hits me like a ton of bricks. Nobody really understands me, they all pretend that they care, but everyone wants to just shove me into the corner and leave me there. Nobody is anything like me, in any way, in mind, body or soul. Sadly, this makes me feel alien, lost, alone in a world of people who talk a foreign language.

Sitting in French today, I realised how little I care about school. I mean, seriously, I'm never going to play rounders again after I drop PE, I can't catch a ball enough for rounders actually anyway. RE, well, don't even get me started on RE. I'm not religious, I will never be religious, I don't need to know about every past and present religion there has ever been. Or any religion at all, for that matter! French. Well, there isn't any point. The French hate us all anyway. History. Even less point than any other lesson! It's all in the last, we don't need to know.

Urges, urges to cut myself, are so strong lately. That's the thing people understand least about me: why I self harm. I harm to release stress, to relax and to repay myself for all the bad things I do, no matter how miniscule those things are, I still cut. Gradually, all the cuts built up, eventually they have ended up the entire way up my forearms, even on my thighs now there is no room to cut left on my arms. These scars, that I give myself now will never heal. They are my impression on myself, my way of reminding myself how much of a terrible person I really am. Everyone thinks I'm perfect. They don't see the real me. The real me is falling to pieces from the inside out.

Because everyone thinks I'm "fine" (I can barely write that word without wondering what it feels like: it's been that long), they brush off my concerns eveeytime I dare to even tell anyone. It's happened so many times, so many failed attempts to reach out and get help, every single one ignored or even laughed at. Maybe, I'm not fine, maybe Daddy's girl has given up on life, Mummy's little darling is crying in the toilets at lunch time. All my friends gave up ages ago, they don't understand half of what I am going through, they most likely never will. In some ways, I'm glad for that, I wouldn't wish this awful life on my worst enemy.

Chloe