Dear Diary

12th December 2023

TW, sh and suicide ref.

Dear Diary,

It's been a while since I last updated, exactly a month actually. 

I relapsed earlier today, and I don't know how to feel about it. I think I feel better now I've done it again. I won't go into detail as to why, but I think I know exactly why I did it.

 I've also been thinking about suicide recently too. Not like "I hate life so much I'm gonna kill myself" but those sort of thoughts you get that make you go "what the fuck is wrong with me?" Like I've been wondering how many paracetamol it would take to successfully kill me. And times I would have the chance to do it. Does that make me suicidal? I don't know. 

I'm blocking my irl friends on here who have my acc, as I don't want them to see this anymore. 

School is shit, I broke down crying in school twice today. I haven't done any work in English for the past two lessons and my fucking form tutor is leaving again. 

I hate my music classes and the kids I care about in lower years are going through so much shit and there's nothing I can do but they keep coming to me for help and the teachers won't let me fucking do anything and won't let me stay with her and support her whenever I take her to the health centre at school and there's bruises all up her fucking arm because of her hurting herself and it makes me so sick knowing she's doing that to herself. Ironic I know, but she's 12. 

I don't know. Maybe I'm just doing it for the attention from other students. I'll probably be ok in a week or so.

Anyway good news:

I'm getting a payraise at work but only cause I got extra deliveries, im doing a trial shift with another workplace tomorrow after school and the local library I work at is putting on a performance this Saturday of the lion the witch and the wardrobe (im the narrator) 

Anyway, have a great day/night

Signing off -

~Vee 🌞🌙

♥︎**Question: would you rather go blind or deaf? 

Me personally neither, but I'd say blind as I'd go nuts without music